Wolfe the Dauntless Hero Came

If the CRTC is serious about boning up the Canadian content on cable porn channels, it need look no further than Ottawa pornographer extraordinaire Ray Wolfe, who plies his trade just across the river, only a condom toss from the commission bunker in Gatineau.

“When people ask me why I do porn, I smile and reflect on the 6 million internet users that search teen porn,” Ray tells aspiring fluffers. “If you are 18 and 19 years old, and want to be a star, have your own site, use my resources, my merchant accounts, my design team, and the high definition cameras, then call Ray Wolfe: 613-371-9653.”

Ray has every qualification to service his country that regulators could possibly desire. He’s the full mogul: talent scout, director, producer and star in his own adult vids — the Canadian Seymore Butts.

Ray in action!

Ray in action!

His all-Canadian beaver empire stars home grown teen-age talent shot on location at his cutting edge Minxxx Studios, “redesigned with a new iPad friendly members area. It is the biggest Ottawa porn site that features local bartenders, college students and your sexy neighbors. Yes, you may know these Ottawa Amateur porn stars.”

His TV license application should be a cinch—he’s already produced his own TV reality series, X-Rayted (geddit?!–ed.), and he’s launched a Canada Wide casting call.2l

“If you are female between 18 and 24 call 613-371-9653 for you (sic) big chance.”

According to Ray’s press release, “Super Channel has just signed a million dollar deal to Break Through entertainment to produce this series on Ray’s life.

“Wanting to be groundbreaking, this premium Canadian Television broadcaster has committed the funding to Break Through Entertainment for a complete first season. Ray Wolfe is destined for stardom as he bares all in this edgy comedy about his life.

“The series in a not a porn nor is it hardcore, it is being made for TV. The audience will laugh more than anything else as it shocks you every minute as to how funny this guy is.”

According to his bio, Ray has appeared on “Late Night with Ed the Sock, and Kenny vs. Spenny in season Three.”

Over on YouTube, Ray is featured on something called Ray Wolfe’s World Reverse Gang Bang Record Attempt at Sleeping with the Most Women in 24 Hours.

“I will pay you $100 for oral and $300 for intercourse,” he promises.

“I will have my good health certificate and I will wear TWO condoms…faces can be blurred if required.” Call Ray: 1-866-RAYWOLFE.”

Alas, comments are mixed:

“I met this guy once. he was working at a convenience store here in ottawa. he tried to get me and my girl friend to do a porn and gave us his number.. and even contacted her afterwards and not me.. this guy’s sick in the head big time…  creepy.”

Like any modern media mogul, Ray knows the value of diversification, so he’s getting into the online publishing biz with his original creation: The Top Ten Network, which features “the best of everything” in every city–top ten bars, top ten clubs, top ten hotels, top ten accountants, top ten heating and air conditioning and, well, you get the picture.

Yeah, that's it--'Smith!' Ray Smith!

Yeah, that’s it–‘Smith!’ Ray Smith at Dragons’ Den!

“With over 22 cities launched and expanding soon to Australia, the Top Ten Network is growing fast.”

Ray pitched this exciting new venture on the recent CBC-TV Dragons’ Den auditions at the Ottawa Marriot Hotel.

In his Facebook press release, Ray asked himself if he needed the Dragons’ money, and replied to himself: “No I want their expertise.”

Alas, in the run-up to his Dragons appearance, Ray appeared to suffer a sudden identity crisis.

He shaved off his signature porn ‘stache and went under the name Ray Smith (see pic).

No doubt modest Ray was just trying to avoid giving the big swinging dicks of Dragons’ Den a complex.

Share on FacebookTweet about this on TwitterShare on StumbleUponEmail this to someone
2 comments on “Wolfe the Dauntless Hero Came
  1. portabletrading says:

    Ed the Sock, Kenny and Spenny… no Tom Green?!

  2. Buckwheat says:

    Hey Frank, get it right – Wolfe was a donkless hero!

Leave a Reply