Frank Flashback: Hop on Pop-a-Headvalve

Much eye-rolling at news that Dr. Seuss’ masterwork Hop on Pop was among the Toronto Public Library’s 2014 release of books various concerned cranks demanded banned from the shelves.

“Encourages children to use violence against their fathers,” read the summary of the complaint. “Remove from collection and issue an apology to fathers in the GTA and pay for damages resulting from the book.”

Pity the poor librarian called away from urgent shushing duties to reply that the 1963 classic “is a humorous and well-loved children’s book designed to engage children while teaching them reading skills,” and further, “The children are actually told not to hop on pop.”

Where do such asinine wastes of public time and money begin? Er…

Flash back to March, 1999, as the Robin Sharpe kiddie porn case stirs up another moral panic among the usual panicked morons. How far, Frank wonders, would certain MPs be willing to go in order to curry favour with the family values nutbars on the march? Far enough to fill those two blank pages in the next issue, we wager.

To test our theory, we launch the famval interest group Families United for Canadian Kids – FUCK for short – and scour classics of kiddie lit (The Hobbit, Black Beauty, and the insidious Hop on Pop) for select inoffensive bits at which they might take ridiculous offense. Then, posing as Reuters reporters, we call a number of duly-elected dummies to find out what they make of FUCK’s agenda.

Among our rubes, Reform/UA/Conservative MP Darrel Stinson (Okanagan-Shuswap) — last seen backing loser Rick Peterson for the leadership of the loser BC Conservative party, which he lost.

From our dial-a-Darrel:

FRANK: What do you think about a book featuring a character named Dildo Buggers?

Stinson: That tweaks my interest to see, you know, whether it’s a foreign title and that it is a legitimate name. As I understand those two words, I have a bit of a concern. I don’t understand why they’d have a children’s book with a name like that in it.

FRANK: [FUCK] feels another Dr. Seuss book, Hop on Pop, is a not so subtle invitation to pedophilia because part of the text reads “I like to hop on Pop. Hop, hop, hop on Pop.” This they believe should be lighting up every parent’s kiddie-porn radar because it could be leading a kid to pedophilia at a very early age.

Stinson: As soon as I finish talking with you I’m going to be getting hold of some of these groups to see if they’ve had any contact in regards to this issue, and these books.

The upshot of the subsequent Stinson-FUCK consultations are now sadly lost to history.

Sheik Yerbouti is 102.

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3 comments on “Frank Flashback: Hop on Pop-a-Headvalve
  1. miskwabiman says:

    Next on the hit list…Go Dogs Go! Encourages the befouling of Toronto’s parks.

  2. stagetek says:

    You sure it was The Hobbit? Dildo Bugger was a character in Bored of The Rings :

    “Dildo’s Song

    I sit on the floor and pick my nose
    and think of dirty things
    Of deviant dwarves who suck their toes
    and elves who drup their dings.

    I sit on the floor and pick my nose
    and dream exotic dreams
    Of dragons who dress in rubber clothes
    and trolls who do it in teams

    I sit on the floor and pick my nose
    and wish for a thrill or two
    For a goblin who goes in for a few no-noes
    Or an orc with a thing about glue.

    And all of the while I sit and pick
    I think of such jolly things
    Of whips and screws and leather slacks
    Of frottages and stings.”

    “Bored of the rings”
    by H.N.Beard,
    D.C.Kenney)

  3. Patrick60 says:

    What kind of a society allows Children’s Aid to get so weak its charges are deliberately starved to death, and yet has time to rip Dr. Seuss from the shelves?

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