Air Canada crackdown on porn-loving palm pilots

Quelle surprise to see Air Canada hop aboard the WestJet baggage cart to chisel the untouchables in loser class $25 per checked bag.

But the bitching and bitterness isn’t confined to the cheap seats.

Things are tough all over and we’re all in the same Airbus. Up on the flight deck, for instance, the trip ain’t what it used to be, either, not since Air Canada issued a directive to flight crews to keep their pornography out of the, er, cockpit.

This after an employee complaint metastasized into a full-blown Transport Canada investigation, complete with photographic and video evidence, with the offending porn materials submitted to federal health and safety officers.

The Air Canada sluggette, according to ATIP documents, complained the prominent display of one-handed piloting aids created a “poisoned and harassment-filled environment.”

“If you can stomach it please review the photo and ask yourself honestly if you would be able to perform your daily responsibilities in a workplace riddled with such material,” she wrote Transport Canada.

Complained of erotica included:

– The posting of an image depicting a woman with a hand-drawn knife to her back;

– Another obscene photo with a handwritten caption, “Please don’t scratch (snatch) me off”.

– “Porn tucked under the escape hatch!!” according to one written complaint.

All the spank-lit was found in the cockpit of Air Canada’s Embraer E-Jet, a 97-seat plane used mainly on domestic flights.

Air Canada spent nearly a year conducting an in-house investigation, concluding that there was indeed “porn in the flight decks.” AC issued a bulletin advising pilots and co-pilots that “there had to be a stop to the distribution or placement of porn in the flight deck.”

When that failed to satisfy the complainant, Transport Canada stepped in, waving around the Canada Labour Code. TC sluggos met repeatedly with airline management in 2013 to address the problem and “ensure the absence of offensive material,” according to the file.

Meanwhile, the complainant fretted about getting fingered as the anti-porn snitch: “I have even greater concerns over reprisal from the pilots once they know that I was the one who was behind the efforts to have the porn eliminated, and believe me, they WILL find out. The industry is a small place. My name has already been associated with the investigation”

And her hopes of a work environment free from inflight smut? Faint.

“The union rep told me that if I do find porn once I am back online, the amount of porn that is found will determine how strong a case we will have. As she said, ‘One picture in two weeks is one thing; five pictures in one day is another’. So my impression from what she said is that a certain amount will be acceptable!”

How far we have fallen from the airline’s glory days, when Air Canada thingies still knew how to fly the friendly skies. Frank fondly recalls the aftermath of the 1998 pilots’ strike (Toga Party Terror at 30,000 Feet, Frank 284).

When the pilots walked off the job that September, they parked their aircraft hither and thither about the globe. After the strike, Air Canada sent two 747s stuffed with pilots and flight attendants to London and Paris, whence they would proceed to the stranded jets.

Whether by design or divine cock-up, one of the jumbos flew thoroughly dry, while the other one was heavily-laden with a full complement of high-grade hooch.

The result? One plane of parched peanut-eaters passing time watching re-runs of Cheers, the other partying like it’s 1998. Pilots and flight attendants on Air BoozeCan splashed firewater into outstretched glasses as though toasting the end of prohibition. One flyboy, possibly trying to observe clouds from both sides, bruised his wings tumbling the length of the spiral staircase.

Of course, every airborne bacchanal needs some mile-high clubbers, so a woozy pilot volunteered for closet duty with a shwingy flight attendant in order to gauge her aptitude for blowing up a personal flotation device.

Sadly, in the middle of raising the Captain’s tray to the upright position, they were interrupted by someone who evidently has never flown United, and the two flying squirrels ended up before a disciplinary committee.

Management must have huffed and puffed itself breathless negotiating with the pilots’ union, for while the jet-jockey was told sternly “never to do it again,” the stewardess was summarily sacked.

Just another spasm in the ongoing death of civilized air travel. To recap:

1987: No smoking.

1998: No sex.

2004: That fucking Celine Dion jingle.

And now this.

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One comment on “Air Canada crackdown on porn-loving palm pilots
  1. phargrav says:

    Funniest thing I’ve read in a while, including Dick Little.

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