Let us confuse mythologies
For Wesley Snipes and Arnold Schwarzenegger, it’s more akin to a rebirth—two muscle-bound Lazaruses rising from the ashes of the action-hero sarcophagus.
—Katherine Monk, Postmedia News, Aug. 15, 2014.
Tell that to Ray Chapman’s widow
Would Jesus have gone for baseball…? Who knows? One day…the newly minted young Galilean preacher/teacher went up a hill and pitched to the crowd a sermon from the mound….. To get the ball rolling he dug deep to deliver a series of eight deft curve balls we now know as the Beatitudes…. The people on the receiving end of Jesus’ curve balls were hardly heroes or high class…. It’s the curve that often gets by us. But if we’re lucky, it hits us right between the eyes.
— Rev. Bob Ripley, Sun Media, Aug. 16, 2014.
Er, not eggsactly
Hilda is a hen, a very nice-looking hen, and, as it turns out, an open-minded one as well. One day in the spring of 2012, she took up her position as the chief guardian of a nest of five eggs…. Everyone on her farm awaited a clutch of fluffy chicks…. Five ducklings emerged instead. Hilda had been confused. [S]he had happened to sit on the wrong nest, which is a bit like finding yourself in a sex shop when you were just looking for pretty panties.
—Sarah Hampson, Globe and Mail, Aug. 23, 2014.
And then, sadly, he developed a reputation for Y
Recently, a good friend said to me: “Dave, you should know, you’re getting a reputation for X.” (X being grumpiness, basically, along with not counting my blessings enough, and leaving parties too early). I felt ultra-zinged at first—mortified, mostly. A consensus was forming about me? People were talking and they all agreed that I possessed this curmudgeonly-ness? At first, the notion made me grumpier than usual, and wanting to count my blessings even less, and leave parties earlier than ever. So people are watching me and judging? Why couldn’t they let me be me…?
—Globe and Mail agony aunt Dave Eddie, Aug. 15, 2014.
We were so poor we had to make our own personal organizers out of gum and dryer lint
A new breed of experts is stepping in to help: professional organizers for kids. “Nine years ago, when I started Order Out of Chaos, I had to explain to people what a professional organizer was. Now, it’s not what’s an organizer, but who’s your organizer?” says Leslie Josel of Mamaroneck, New York…. Many of the hundreds of professional organizers nationwide are mothers or former teachers who have helped children deal with “executive dysfunction,” the technical term for the problem.
—Associated Press’s Katherine Roth, Ottawa Citizen, Aug. 23, 2014.
In their defence, when they heard there was going to be a national anthem, they naturally assumed the game had been cancelled, so they just horked on the flag and went home
For the singing of the national anthem just prior to Friday’s game at TD Place….the visiting team remained in its dressing room. In the country’s capital, with the prime minister in attendance, they snubbed our song. How disgraceful. They may as well have horked on the flag, too. [T]he Eskimos claimed they didn’t hear the introductions. But it was 7:34 p.m. and kickoff was scheduled for a minute later. Are they unable to put two and two together? Are they unfamiliar with the a [sic] tradition that has preempted sports events forever?
—Don Brennan, Sun Media, August 15, 2014.
Me, I’m just in it for the doe
Canadian hunter Eva Shockey has clear market appeal. [H]er weapon [is] a bow and arrow—conveniently just like the heroine of the Hunger Games…. “Katniss hasdone a huge amount for women and bow-hunting,” she says. “And she’s not there because she’s taking off her clothes. She’s classy, she’s independent—there’s nothing negative about that.”
—Alanna Mitchell, Globe and Mail, Aug. 29, 2014.
Requiem for a dream
SUNshine Girl Shaelynn has her sights set on the ‘high’ life. The 5-foot-8, blue-eyed 20-year-old would like to be a flight attendant—but would settle for being an international model.
—Ottawa Sun, Aug. 21, 2104.