How delightful to see Tory knob-about-town Mike Patton snuffling around Maria McRae’s still-warm city council seat, declaring his candidacy in River Ward within 72 hours of her snap retirement announcement.
Our Mike is so far the most seasoned campaign dog in contention for the ward. The 51-year-old Little ShitTM has done it all, from robocall specialist to Astroturf political activist, heckling Liberal campaign events back in ’04 as founder of the entirely spontaneous and non-partisan “People for the Ethical Treatment of Taxpayers.”
Patton performed his most conspicuous act of public service as bumboy to College Coun. Rick Chiarelli in 2006, after a constituent called to complain of a Code Brown emergency in one of the washrooms at the main library.
Mike shortarsed it over from City Hall, peeked inside and confirmed what he would later describe as a “poo apocalypse” in the stall. Rather than wait for a library staffer to deal with the diarrheal disaster, Patton bravely fetched a mop and pail and squelched up the merde himself, earning plaudits from the public — and dark mutterings of a grievance from the unionized janitors.
He would go on to other shit jobs as a media spinner for the accident-prone likes of Ottawa Mayor “Leisure Suit” Larry O’Brien and Minister of Babysitters, Vic Toews.
Alas, despite his years cleaning up countless messes in the back of the shop, voters have thus far proven unreceptive to Patton’s many offers of his own elected service. A summary:
1997: As fartcatcher to PC leader Jean Charest, loses a squeaker nomination race in Ottawa West-Nepean, then parachutes into Labrador, where he gets shellacked by Liberal Lawrence “Not Larry” O’Brien. Final tally: 842 votes.
He makes his third grab for glory back in Ottawa that November, running for regional council against noted flautist Al Loney, who, er, blows him away, taking 64 per cent of the vote.
2007: Joins the great pre-indictment exodus from the office of Mayor Larry “Not Lawrence” O’Brien to run for the provincial PCs in Ottawa West Nepean against Jimbo Watson, who hands him his ass by 8,400 votes.
2010: Jim quits to run for mayor. Mike loses the Ontario PC nomination in Ottawa West-Nepean to Beth Graham, who in turn loses the election to Liberal Bob “The Charisma” Chiarelli.
Career batting average: .000. Sixth time’s the charm, sans doubt.