Barbara Amiel Mega Drivel Selfie

We had all gone to the Metropolitan Opera together, Annette and Oscar (De La Renta) followed by flashbulbs. I noticed how protective Oscar was of his fiancee, cradling her from photographers and making sure she was never left alone in milling well-wishers outside our box. That, I thought, is the kind of man I’d like to have at my side. After I had been lucky to marry precisely that sort of man, Conrad and I began to see more of the de la Rentas.

Oscar saw things differently. “Don’t ever lose your decolletage,” he said when I came out of the swimming pool. I didn’t understand. Sure enough, six years later, I had lost it – the roundness of flesh over bones had been replaced by the semi-emaciated looks of bosoms balanced on a pigeon breast structure. I had become fashionably gaunt.

When last summer I was invited to a wonderful ball in the U.K, I chose an Oscar gown from Toronto’s ‘the Room’ at Hudson’s Bay. Unfortunately, it was strapless and my arms and chest were in the decay Oscar had foreseen. I emailed him in despair. “Wrap yourself in clouds of tulle,” he said. A package of tulle, via his close colleague Boaz Mazur, arrived in Toronto. I wrapped myself in it and swanned in. Just as I know Oscar, a practicing Roman Catholic, fine and decent, of charity and mercy, will now be wrapped, exalted and luxuriating in heaven’s embroidered cloths of gold.

–Barbara Amiel, Maclone’s, Nov. 3, 2014.

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10 comments on “Barbara Amiel Mega Drivel Selfie
  1. Patrick60 says:

    There should be a retching emoticon for times like these.

  2. OJM says:

    Fess up, Franksters. If you worked on a parody day and night for a month you couldn’t come up with anything nearly as funny as this. Between them, Babs and Tubby set the standard for Canadian humour writing.

  3. ChosenBarley says:

    I thought this was satire but then it says she actually wrote this. What is going on.

  4. OJM says:

    Possible Amiel epitaphs:

    “Don’t ever lose your décolletage”

    “Wrap yourself in clouds of tulle”

    “Fashionably gaunt”

  5. mmedesevigne says:

    And today’s article comes to you from the Fashionably Gaunt Room of the Barbara Amiel Home for the Terminally Clueless.

  6. blansky says:

    Keeping her head up her ass retains that ‘waxy glow’.

  7. orphancarguy says:

    That picture above…she looks like the wax deer caught (yet again!) in the limelight. (to quote E. F. Benson, “those Dutchesses give me no rest”)

    Since I don’t read Maclones unless waiting for the dentist, I missed this drivel/drool. I too thought it was an absurd parody. Could this be termed Life imitating Artifice?

  8. PaulG says:

    Oscar is dead and Babs effortlessly makes it all about her tits. What a gal!

  9. T says:

    Where did that security guy’s hand go (if not a botox-overload, perhaps explains MiLady’s expression) and what exactly is Tubby looking at? The onset of pigeon-arse maybe? Enquiring minds, arf, arf, shurely.

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