So farewell, then, Jerry Bance, flushed on Labour Day as Tory candidate in Scarborough-Rouge Park, just as his adventures in door-to-door micturation won him an undreamt-of international profile (The Guardian, New York Post, Sydney Morning Herald, Urologists’ Weekly, etc.).
As per S.O.P. in the Accountability PartyTM it was poor Jenni Byrne, She-Wolf of the CPC, who wore the horns for allowing Bance and thespian jerky boy Tim Dutaud to slip through her rigorous candidate screening process, banished from President Steve’s presence and sent grovelling back to Ottawa.
It’s all so unfair. Jerry wasn’t just another nobody Conservative placeholder; he was a serial nobody Conservative placeholder, offering his services to an ungrateful electorate in the old riding of Scarborough Rouge River in ’06 and ’08, finishing way up the track from Liberal Derek Lee in both instances, with about 20 per cent of the vote.
And failure didn’t come cheap. Jerry pissed away $78,552.35 on the ’08 campaign, and loaned it $22,000 of his own money at four per cent interest.
And hard-working fambly values? Cheque. Over a quarter of Jerry’s war chest, $22,000.76, went to ‘suppliers’ who shared the candidate’s esteemed surname, including wife Shinder Bance ($12,395.23) daughters Anita Bance ($1,500) and Neelam Bance-Parsons ($3,130.01), Ravi Bance ($1,835.41) and, er, Jerry Bance ($3,218.93).
Keeping his all-singing, all-Bancing supporters fed was no small undertaking either, as Jerry stuffed them with victuals from Tandoori Pearl ($1641.59), Mr. Greek Express ($405.11), Quizno’s ($267.79) and Kentucky Fried Chicken ($47.45). Not-insignificant outlays, too, at the LCBO ($554.90) and The Beer Store ($236.60) for collective self-medication at Jerry’s concession piss-up at Baba Banquet Hall ($2,400).
All of which is to say that Jerry had indubitably paid his dues as party poteau and Jenni was perhaps lulled into under-vigilance. She could perhaps be forgiven for missing that 2012 full-frontal exposé on Marketplace, but even a perfunctory Google would have turned up other unsatisfied customers of his Xpress Appliance Service, like “Mario M” who registered his disappointment at homestars.com:
“Jerry Bance recommends himself as an instructor of Sears technicians, more than 20 year experience etc. I call him for my Side-by-Side Samsung refrigerator, was building ice in the freezer and the fridge was not working. He went back of the fridge and he said ” The circuit board is damaged, I can smell, it’s burned”. He said $200-250 for the part and $100 labor. I found the part next day with $90 (tax Incl). I call him not to buy the part but to come to install. He said that I can do it by myself and I need to pay him $50 only for the service call. I paid the money (cash no receipt, he said he forgot the receipts in other car), I replace the part myself but the fridge still not working. When I call him he said to call Samsung those new fridges has many problems and the manufacturer should deal with them. Finally the problem was solved by Transglobal Service (1-800-360-2742) and was the defrost sensor ($10 part and $80 service call). This job was costing me extra $140 ($90 circuit board that I’m now stock with it and $50 for seeing Mr. Jerry’s face). Don’t try to save money using technicians like Jerry Bance.”
Note to Mario: Check your ice cube tray.