Latest Drivel, Sept. 4, 2015.

Rim shot

Tim Hortons says it’s taking action to combat knock-off products like the Tim Mortons instant coffee spotted in South Korea this week…. Tim Hortons spokeswoman Michelle Robichaud said the company is thrilled to see that its brand is recognized all over the world, but added that the company will be vigilant in protecting its intellectual property.
—Canadian Press, Aug, 13, 2015.

Jokes from the (broom) closet
One of the most surprising things to emerge…is that— without fail—friend and foe alike said the staid Conservative leader has a unique penchant for comedy…. “Here’s a true story. Laureen is a loyal subscriber to Frank Magazine and loves to read about who is said to be sleeping around on Parliament Hill. Anyway, I said to her one day—‘what are you going to do when Frank prints some untruth about me having an affair?’ Without missing a beat she said, ‘I’ll call her up and ask her what it’s like….’”
—Tristin Hopper, National Post, Aug. 17, 2015.

Er, maybe that dead black kid in Cleveland?
“At Rockcliffe Park elementary school, my kid’s teachers made a point of telling me on the first day, ‘you know, Mr. Harper, here we don’t allow children to play with toy guns.’ Well, of course not. As I said to my wife later, ‘what kind of sissy kid would carry a toy?’”
—Hopper, op. cit.

It took them that long to row there
Less than a year after Prime Minister Stephen Harper told Russian President Vladimir Putin to “get out of Ukraine,” Canadian soldiers have landed in the troubled country…. Harper has talked tough since the Russian invasion and annexation of Crimea and the shooting down last July of a Malaysia Airlines jet over eastern Ukraine which killed 298 innocent people. And now that talk has turned to action.
—Joe Wormington, Toronto Sun, Sept. 1, 2015.

Turn off your mind, relax and float downstream…
At a time when a politician comparing unarmed Canadian vets providing security for Harper with Nazis grabbed headlines, it’s a good time to get behind our brave men and women in uniform. In a democracy, the politics of where our troops go and why should always be debated. But once that decision is made, their safety and sacrifice—and our backing of them—never should be.
—Wormington, op. cit.

A real leader just picks a lie and sticks with it
It is impossible to know what Justin Trudeau thinks about the wisdom (or not) of Ottawa running budget deficits. What he says on a Thursday is liable to be the exact opposite of what he had said on the previous Monday.
—Lorne “Two-gun” Gunter, Postmedia, Sept. 1, 2015.

Toronto police too shy to approach Drake, give killers 10-day head start
I guess 10 days is better late than never, Aubrey. Next should be a trip down to the police station to offer up anything you saw or know about the shooting at your own party…. Welcome to the effort to get killers off the streets, Aubrey. They’ve only had a 10-day head start to elude capture.
–Joe Wormington, Toronto Sun, Aug. 14, 2015.

C’mon, old girl, you can do it! Just one more column inch!
The Crab Islanders, left without a horizon, won’t be happy but there are only 739,903 of them, and these gentle unsuspecting people will suit the American tendency toward incarceration, of which gated communities is only the latest evidence. Think floral, Gov. Walker! British history was turned right by the Enclosure Acts of the 18th and 19th centuries which closed off common land to the peasantry. That said, English hedgerows are among the loveliest things on earth: complex, flowered, secretive and tough to tear up though that hasn’t stopped anyone. As for natural materials, the most attractive wall is always a dry stone, meaning perfectly chosen stones that fit together. It can last for centuries if maintained although not in Lake Michigan….
—Heather Mallick, Toronto Star, Sept. 2, 2015.

Hey, what about that time Kerouac gave Neal Cassady a bad cold on top of a wicked dose of the clap?
Or consider this majestic lyric of Beyoncé’s: “I sneezed on the beat, and the beat got sicker.” It’s a gem of language today that would have been incomprehensible 50 years ago.
—Elizabeth Renzetti, Globe and Mail, Aug. 24, 2015.

Share on FacebookTweet about this on TwitterShare on StumbleUponEmail this to someone
5 comments on “Latest Drivel, Sept. 4, 2015.
  1. Papadoc says:

    If that’s the case then Trudeau has simply adopted Gunter’s ouevre.

  2. John MacLachlan Gray says:

    So Tim’s coffee is “intellectual property,” & the Leader is promoting it on the campaign trail. His base won’t like that.

  3. Trippetta says:

    No one matches Mallick for unadulterated drivel. She isn’t even pretending to make sense.

  4. orphancarguy says:

    Another thing that would make no sense whatsoever–unless you are taking the right doses of under-the-counter drugs–is ‘with Mallick, aforethought’

  5. OJM says:

    It’s a quick glide down a slippery slope from “Tim Mortons” coffee to “Kimbits”.

Leave a Reply