So farewell, then, Maria Manna, Liberal substandard-bearer in Cowichan–Malahat–Langford, who went so punctually for the high jump Sept. 28, the last possible day on which she could be replaced with a new candidate.
The only thing loopier than Manna’s 9/11 truther ravings was any contention that her candidacy was of the slightest consequence in a riding where the Libs pulled just under 6 per cent of the vote in 2011.
Indeed, if there is one commonality among all the candidates defenestrated in recent weeks for assorted social media silly-buggery, it was the de minimis risk that any of them would have gone to embarrass their parties as MPs, if the riding results from the 2011 running of the reptiles are any guide.
Why waste scarce resources vetting candidates in such electoral dead zones beyond ensuring they have a pulse, especially when you can just summarily shitcan them as needed and assign a new seat-warmer at no cost to the party’s already-dismal prospects?
The exception that proves the rule was noted Yellow Tory Jerry Bance, who before news of his urological adventures on Marketplace trickled out, was in a tight three-way race in Scarborough-Rouge Park. Options are limited, however, once your candidate actually whips out his dick on national television.
Apart from Bance, the margins of defeat in the affected ridings last time around started around 20 percentage points and headed sharply north.
Herewith, those no-hoper candidates in full, in ascending order of futility. Riding results are expressed as percentages of the popular vote, and redistributed where electoral boundaries have since changed:
- Jerry Bance (Con.) – You drain the lizard on the CBC. That ain’t workin’, that’s the way you do it.
Riding: Scarborough-Rouge Park
2011 result: 31.59 (Winner: Liberal, 34.76)
- Blair Dale (Con.) – Facebook (abortion and rape, drugs, etc.)
2011 result: 30.5 (Winner: Liberal, 54.46)
- Morgan Wheeldon (NDP) – Facebook (Israel, ethnic cleansing)
2011 result: 20.3 (Winner: Liberal, 39.56)
- Stefan Jonasson (NDP) — Facebook (“Much like the Taliban and other extremists, the Haredim offer a toxic caricature of faith…”)
Riding: Charleswood-St. James-Assiniboia-Headingley
2011 result: 20.12 (Winner: Conservative, 57.56)
- Joy Davies (Lib.) – Facebook (Marijuana for expectant moms, etc.)
Riding: South Surrey-White Rock
2011 result: 19.09 (Winner: Conservative, 52.88)
- Tim Dutaud (Con.) – YouTube (Prank calls, ersatz orgasms)
2011 result: 14.32 (Winner: NDP, 60.8)
- Ala Buzreba (Lib.) – Twitter (“Your mother should have used a coat hanger,” “go blow your brains out,” etc.)
Riding: Calgary Nose Hill
2011 result: 11.05 (Winner: Conservative, 69.29)
- Buddy Ford (Con.) – Marijuana possession, 2011
2011 result: 7.45 (Winner: NDP, 52.07)
- Augustin Ali Kitoko (Con.) – Facebook (promoting NDP)
2011 result: 7.21 (Winner: NDP, 47.48)
- Maria Manna (Lib.) – Facebook (9/11 nuttery)
2011 result: 5.81 (Winner: NDP, 43.59)
- Chris Austin (Lib.) – Twitter (“Will Canada Become A Fascist Dictatorship?” re: Jian Ghomeshi’s firing)
Riding: Sturgeon River-Parkland
2011 result: 5.467 (Winner: Conservative, 77.49)
- Gilles Guibord (Con.) – Journal de Montreal (online comment trolling)
2011 result: 4.42 (Winner: NDP, 51.07)