Latest Drivel, Monday, Oct. 19, 2015.
Too late–the budgie’s lost all his feathers
When I thought about the subject of this column, I wondered if I should have my picture re-shot with a paper bag over my head.
–Peggy Wente, Globe and Mail, Oct. 17, 2015.
On the same night as the city was celebrating Nuit Blanche, hundreds of young people [from Toronto’s Jane-Finch ‘hood], many looking stoned or drunk, shouted down the police and forced them to take cover in a parking garage. It was an ugly scene. Disturbing and not something we are used to seeing in Toronto. It’s like they had absolutely no respect for the police…. A city can’t allow such anarchy to fester…. Certainly if it’s a trend, it’s something that must squashed [sic] immediately. The lack of respect for police should not be tolerated by anybody…. When the police are the ones being harassed, we bring it to the public’s attention because when someone gets killed at the next one, no one will be able to say they weren’t warned.
—Joe Wormington, Toronto Sun, Oct. 5, 2015.
Thank God that’s been straightened out
Wary of said dolts, I wanted to question the study’s accuracy, too, but I couldn’t because its conclusion hit too close to home — or more specifically it hit too close to my mid-2000s Grade 10 history and civics class, where I grew increasingly bored with a curriculum of sameness and tuned out of current events altogether. (Before I entered journalism, when I wasn’t forced to read the news, I thought Warren Buffet sang “Margaretville.”)
—Emma Teitel, Toronto Star, Oct. 2, 2015.
An earlier draft of which read, “But when a simpleton drools, she’d cut off his jewels.”
Here’s hoping they print some money with the Famous Five on it, so that Canada’s most well known suffragettes cease to be a footnote in high school history class. And if they aren’t convinced that Nellie et al are worth it, maybe this short poem—which I wrote on one of the only days I didn’t fall asleep in Grade 10 history class, will do the trick: “Nellie McClung, not well hung. But in history’s halls, she’s got great big balls.”
—Emma Teitel, Toronto Star, Oct. 3, 2015.
Oh, and did I mention I’m a lesbian?
As a technique (or disorder, let’s call a spade a spade), Helpfulness Stalking has three distinct stages, similar to the Five Stages of Grief and Loss described by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross…. Step One is the over-familiar greeting: “Hey hon, how are you making out?” Step Two: Inappropriate prying: “Are you two sisters? Oh, lesbians! That’s so cool. I love Ruby Rose on Orange is the New Black….” Now, there are undoubtedly bigger problems in the world than the over-zealousness of sales people—I’m acutely aware of the privilege aroma rising from this column. But the existence of grave problems in the world should not, if we want to stay sane, preclude us from pinpointing small but highly irritating ones that affect us day to day. Which is to say: I know I sound like a spoiled jerk….
—Emma Teitel, Toronto Star. Oct. 4, 2015.