Seems there’s more juice yet in the forbidden fruits of Ashley Madison.
The dating service for adulterers, readers will no doubt recall, had its client database hacked by a bunch of buzzkills known as the Impact Team, who subsequently released user data from millions of client accounts, including hundreds of Canadian government email addresses.
Apart from skeevy Senator Colin Kenny, however, whose libidinous adventures trolling for other chaps’ wives on AshMad had already lowered the tone of many a Frank passim, no parliamentarians were caught honourable-membered in the data dump. A few accounts linked to MPs’ email addresses (step forward, Eve Adams) were rightly denounced as transparent and mischievous impostures.
But the crunching of the stolen files continued and now a scurrilous website, Canada MP Leaks, claims to have busted three Tories based on credit card and other data:
“We wrote a computer program that searched the Ashley Madison database leak looking for Canadian MPs. We found three, all of them Conservatives.”
Frank is shure there’s been shome mishtake. For starters, only two of the three were actually Tory MPs at press time (the third was still just a Tory candidate).
Further, both honourable members are not only much-married, but anointed by the bible-thumping Campaign Life Coalition as “pro-life/pro-family” paragons of public service for whom any God-bothering fundie can cast their vote in complete confidence. All three are no doubt the victims of sophisticated and malicious identity theft, now re-victimized again with baseless allegations with no place in a family magazine.
So let’s get to it, shall we? The two-timing threesome, according to the Canada MP Leaks muckrakers, are:
1. Kyle Seeback (Con.—Brampton West)
“Seeback bills himself as a family values politician, bringing his wife along to campaign events and campaigning using pro-life and pro-family messaging. Seeback has said ‘Nothing comes before my family.’
“He signed up to Ashley Madison in February 2014 from a computer in Orangeville, Ontario. In his profile he states ‘I don’t want to change my situation but I want to feel that rush of excitement again.’ He boldy states that he ‘can eat a peach for hours’, a thinly veiled reference to cunnilingus.”
Open To: “I have no limits. I love to explore the sexual desires of my partner.”
Turns Me On: “Someone who knows what they want but isn’t afraid to experiment.”
2. Dean Allison (Con.—Niagara West)
“Allison’s profiles suggest that he has likely been soliciting adulterous affairs while away in Ottawa on official business as an MP. One profile lists a downtown Ottawa location described as his ‘love nest,’ close to Parliament Hill. It seems reasonable that this ‘love nest’ is his taxpayer-funded residence…Dean Allison spent $368.38 maintaining his two Ashley Madison identies [sic] from May 2013 to October 2013. He paid using a credit card registered to his Beamsville, Ontario address. In 2015, he invoiced Canadian Taxpayers $17,520.00 for his official secondary Ottawa residence.”
The Deaner, if indeed this is he, is an even keener pubic servant than his peach-gobbling benchmate:
“Here’s the deal. I love oral sex and I am dam [sic] good at it. My girlfriend does not ‘love it’. I am looking for someone who is well groomed and clean and would like to meet once a week downtown at my place where I could enjoy what I love so much. I would expect you to give me any feedback that would help me improve my skills.”
“Not getting enough oral at home? Then I may be your man,” the glabrous bon vivant declares in a second profile. “Love, Love, Love it!”
3. Walter Pamic (Candidate, Con. – Kanata Carleton)
According to Canada MP Leaks, “Pamic states in his profile that he is ‘Looking for the romance and excitement that is missing’. He also states ‘I am a ‘know what I want’ take charge man……an alpha male I have been told.'”
“Pamic went to great lengths to hide his activities. After paying with a credit card attached to his business (Power-Tek Capital Services), he changes his payment method to a [sic] ‘untraceable’ prepaid credit-card with a fake address (‘1234 Main Street’). He finally got cold feet and paid to delete his account. Regrettably for him Ashley Madison didn’t fully delete the account, and Pamic used the same computer to log-in every time with the same IP address, allowing us to link his credit-card payments and name to his account.”