The Corpse: Operation Candy Lift

Candy Palmater’s new show hasn’t even started on CBC Radio and already there are problems of logistics.

Listeners may recall Palmater as a guest host of Q last year, when the Corpse was auditioning replacements for disgraced host Jian Ghomeshi.

Alas, Candy’s performance was, in the words of one senior Corpse exec, “Awful!”, and she was pipped at the post by Shad, of all people.

But now the plus-size sushi eater is back and it’s a whole new ball/ovary game: Susan Marjetti has taken over as Lesbian-in-Chief for CBC Radio and the Corpse is more obsessed than ever with “diversity” programming.

That’s great news for Candy, who certainly checks all the right bento boxes:

1. Gay Rights Advocate. iconmonstr-check-mark-10-icon-815fb339a35699a9f4b757a6772e5614
2. Mi’kmaq native rights advocate. iconmonstr-check-mark-10-icon-815fb339a35699a9f4b757a6772e5614
3. Canadian Obesity Society Advocate. iconmonstr-check-mark-10-icon-815fb339a35699a9f4b757a6772e5614
4. Proven Lawyer. iconmonstr-check-mark-10-icon-815fb339a35699a9f4b757a6772e5614
5. Tattoo promoter and fan. iconmonstr-check-mark-10-icon-815fb339a35699a9f4b757a6772e5614

About the only thing missing is a wheelchair, although Candy’s working on that, too.

It seems that along with all her other diverse disorders, Candy suffers from claustrophobia. The elevators at the CBC stress her out.Hot-NEW-Candy-Pic1

Take the stairs, you say? Well, that’s a non-starter too, as poor Candy is afflicted by what is known in CBCspeak as “excess adipose tissue.” She’s curvy. She’s plus-sized. In layman’s terms, she’s fat. She tips the Toledos at over 300-lbs., so it’s a massive struggle to get up and down stairs. The CBC may have no choice but to create a special ground level studio–or hire a front-end loader.

“I had a hip replaced. I have very high blood pressure. I’m on three medications for it,” Candy told a Halifax paper.

John Candy [no relation] is one of my heroes, and his career skyrocketed and then he dropped dead and it made me think about being a little more conscious of my creating healthier habits.”

About her two-hour show (airing Mondays to Fridays at 1 p.m.), Candy parrots the usual CBC publicity drivel about how it’ll all be “a little looser and a little more outside the box.”

Note to Candy: If you have to tell us you’re outside the box, you should probably go back in. We’re already not listening.

“I have no filter. I am unedited and on CBC that is not what people are used to hearing,” she says.

Oh, oh. We hope that doesn’t mean Candy will be repeating to CBC devotees her stand-up bits from her APTN-TV program The Candy Show, particularly the ones about vaginal re-tightening surgery and labia re-shaping.

(Speaking of vaginas, and who isn’t, Frank urges Candy and her politically correct bosses at the CBC to cease using the transphobic “vagina” and adopt the terminology favoured by trans activists, i.e., “front hole.”)

Now where was I?hqdefault

Oh, yes, in another of her television routines, Candy described in excruciating detail how a nurse once plugged her full of laxatives and suppositories because she was constipated following her hip replacement surgery.

The anecdote concluded with a graphic description of how the round mound of sound sprayed diarrhea all over her bathroom at home and cursed the mean nurse.

Don’t, er, touch that dial.

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17 comments on “The Corpse: Operation Candy Lift
  1. Trippetta says:

    I thought Frank was kidding about the front hole business until I did a google search. This stuff really does satirize itself.

  2. tyrone says:

    Is she replacing Lister Sinclair?

  3. ChosenBarley says:

    Lord, take me now.

  4. Muldoon's NyQuil™ says:

    Clearly named by a clairvoyant!

  5. OJM says:

    Does this mean they’re bringing back “Gilmour’s Albums”?

  6. Steve-O says:

    She looks like a circus freak.

  7. daveS says:

    So what was the defunct Law firm Patterson Palmer Hunt Murphy in Halifax that she articled in law at?

  8. daveS says:

    The CBC announced earlier in the week, two new radio shows for the network: CBC Radio to debut Out in the Open, The Candy Palmater Show”

    Strangely the two photos of Palmater and Chattopadhyay, (Mrs. Peter Armstrong, of CBC-NN “The Exchange”) were almost identical like a before and after shots.
    Without the captions it might bee like a Dr. Bernstein or Weight watchers advert.
    “CBC broadcaster Piya Chattopadhyay is launching the weekly show Out in the Open (3 pm) on Sat. May 28, while The Candy Palmater Show — featuring the outspoken lawyer-turned-comic, actor and writer — will debut as a weekday (1-3 pm) program on May 30.”

    Outspoken and famously over-inked, the occasional guest host of DNTO provided a complete tour of her body tattoos in a 10 minute video on DNTO’s web-site of April 23, 2015.

    Can we pray for an early end to summer replacements, and ‘Back To Our Regularly Scheduled Programming’?

    I foresee several “health-related” absences during the summer.

    (The KellyLynnMartell photo shoots of the Palmater/Tompkins Wedding were sweet though.)

    She’s all over her twitter feed, with Instagram etc. TheCandyShow today.

  9. daveS says:

    Oy! CBC staff are now twittering Palmater’s food intake.
    twitter.com/aparita/status/733706166950207488

    • Patrick60 says:

      I don’t know if Twitter’s character limit would allow an accurate depiction
      of her food intake…

      • daveS says:

        It’a a link to a picture, and Candy Dandy linked to it herself which is how I found it.
        “We’re working so hard to put together @cbccandy that our fabulous host is healthy snacking in between meetings”c
        And a picture is a thousand words or 20 celery sticks, 15 green grapes, 8 slices of underripe strawberries, 6 cherry tomatoes, 100 grams of yoghurt etc. TIMES (x) how many “snacks”???

  10. mmedesevigne says:

    This reminds me of an old “News” sketch on The Two Ronnies. We were informed that some guy had recently covered his entire body with Old Masters: he’s got a Constable under each arm, a Watteau down the back, a Whistler up the front, and the subtle smile of the Mona Lisa becomes a broad grin whenever he sits down.

    Something for Candy to think about: she’s certainly got the acreage for it.

  11. daveS says:

    Any press reviews of the first week?
    [ http://www.cbc.ca/radio/candy ]

  12. daveS says:

    The CBC staff really have to stop posting Twitter pictures such as this
    https://twitter.com/cbccandy/status/738416175147851777
    Look at the spill over of food and drinks on the desk.

  13. daveS says:

    It’s an Effing F***k show.
    The first week is CBC personalities
    and the slightly “oddest” people they can find.

    VIDEO: Candy reveals 5 books that changed her life
    How to subscribe to The Candy Palmater Show podcast

    Featured EPISODES [ http://www.cbc.ca/radio/candy ]
    Friday June 03, 2016 LISTEN TO FULL EPISODE 1:44:54 Christian Michel Francis LISTEN 12:16 Christian Michel Francis on the price of an education He’s graduating with a 97.2 per cent average, but that’s not what makes Christian Michel Francis exceptional. The 17-year-old has had to shoulder more responsibility than most adults.
    Brick by brick, Ekow Nimako turns Lego into art It’s not just for kids: Ekow Nimako creates creatures and masks out of Lego blocks LISTEN 13:26
    Ria Mae on her big break in music Ria Mae paid to publish her own release and got signed by Sony. LISTEN 5:04
    Kaya Ogruce on the flavours of the summer Summer is the perfect time for ice cream, and all variations of it. We talk to a Toronto gelato maker who likes churning out unusual flavours. LISTEN 12:20
    Jessica Watkin on blind dating Jessica Watkin shares her experiences in the dating world as a young, blind woman. LISTEN 11:46
    THURSDAY June 02, 2016
    Jaime Koebel and Charmaine Joe sisters Two sisters, a house, and a newfound connection
    Rex Jackson on finding his voice again….

    and so on for another 25 items the first week.

    Oy!

  14. daveS says:

    The Candy Palmater show, how’s it going Boyos?

    As she repeats her name every 10 minutes, like a good little girl is told,
    her twitter team over-repeats twitter promos, no personal stuff anymore,
    ad nauseam

    https://twitter.com/cbccandy [ but personal stuff and food mentions go on the amateur show of @theCandyShow ]

  15. daveS says:

    Though …
    Candy Palmater Show ‏@cbccandy · 2 hours ago 30 August 2016 16:20 EDT
    .@MeghanTelpner shares some advice about how to make sure your food stays in the fridge until lunchtime.

    … might be more personal.

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