Candy Palmater’s new show hasn’t even started on CBC Radio and already there are problems of logistics.
Listeners may recall Palmater as a guest host of Q last year, when the Corpse was auditioning replacements for disgraced host Jian Ghomeshi.
Alas, Candy’s performance was, in the words of one senior Corpse exec, “Awful!”, and she was pipped at the post by Shad, of all people.
But now the plus-size sushi eater is back and it’s a whole new ball/ovary game: Susan Marjetti has taken over as Lesbian-in-Chief for CBC Radio and the Corpse is more obsessed than ever with “diversity” programming.
That’s great news for Candy, who certainly checks all the right bento boxes:
1. Gay Rights Advocate.
2. Mi’kmaq native rights advocate.
3. Canadian Obesity Society Advocate.
4. Proven Lawyer.
5. Tattoo promoter and fan.
About the only thing missing is a wheelchair, although Candy’s working on that, too.
It seems that along with all her other diverse disorders, Candy suffers from claustrophobia. The elevators at the CBC stress her out.
Take the stairs, you say? Well, that’s a non-starter too, as poor Candy is afflicted by what is known in CBCspeak as “excess adipose tissue.” She’s curvy. She’s plus-sized. In layman’s terms, she’s fat. She tips the Toledos at over 300-lbs., so it’s a massive struggle to get up and down stairs. The CBC may have no choice but to create a special ground level studio–or hire a front-end loader.
“I had a hip replaced. I have very high blood pressure. I’m on three medications for it,” Candy told a Halifax paper.
“John Candy [no relation] is one of my heroes, and his career skyrocketed and then he dropped dead and it made me think about being a little more conscious of my creating healthier habits.”
About her two-hour show (airing Mondays to Fridays at 1 p.m.), Candy parrots the usual CBC publicity drivel about how it’ll all be “a little looser and a little more outside the box.”
Note to Candy: If you have to tell us you’re outside the box, you should probably go back in. We’re already not listening.
“I have no filter. I am unedited and on CBC that is not what people are used to hearing,” she says.
Oh, oh. We hope that doesn’t mean Candy will be repeating to CBC devotees her stand-up bits from her APTN-TV program The Candy Show, particularly the ones about vaginal re-tightening surgery and labia re-shaping.
(Speaking of vaginas, and who isn’t, Frank urges Candy and her politically correct bosses at the CBC to cease using the transphobic “vagina” and adopt the terminology favoured by trans activists, i.e., “front hole.”)
Now where was I?
Oh, yes, in another of her television routines, Candy described in excruciating detail how a nurse once plugged her full of laxatives and suppositories because she was constipated following her hip replacement surgery.
The anecdote concluded with a graphic description of how the round mound of sound sprayed diarrhea all over her bathroom at home and cursed the mean nurse.
Don’t, er, touch that dial.