“Yes, Virginia, you can polish a turd!”

Frank Exclusive! First look at plans for the new Byron Muldoon Institute of Reputation Reclamation at St. Francis Xavier Cougat University

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Byron Muldoon has announced plans for a new $60-million institute bearing his name to be established at his alma mater, St. Francis Xavier Cougat University.

The Byron Muldoon Institute of Reputation Reclamation will be housed in yet-to-be-built Muldoon Hall on the podunk campus in Antigonish, N.S., where Muldoon discovered soft women and hard liquor in the late 1950s.

The institute will offer a four-year degree in the arts of image restoration, brand buffing and collective amnesia induction. Graduates are expected to be in high demand by disgraced former politicians, kleptomaniacal corporate executives and turpitudinous pop cultural celebrities, both indicted and, like Mr. Muldoon himself, unindicted—but just barely.

Muldoon Hall (see artist rendering above) is the work of locally renowned architect Frank Dinglebehry, whose soft, flowing, organic shapes reflect his background in the frozen custard business.

University president Ronald McDonald said the hall will house memorabilia from Mr. Muldoon’s nearly nine long years in office, including a handwritten recipe for his favourite cocktail, the NyQuil Muldoon; an autographed photo of the former prime minister with his late Carpathian friends Nicolae and Elena Ceausescu; and the astrological chart prepared for him by Nancy Reagan identifying Oct. 26, 1992, as the best day on which to hold a national referendum.

“Obviously, Muldoon’s just trying to polish his own spittoon before he croaks,” said McDonald of his backwater school’s most famous alumnus. “But, hey, it’s friggin’ Antigonish! We’ll take what we can get.”

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4 comments on ““Yes, Virginia, you can polish a turd!”
  1. Rosemary444 says:

    May the owed rise up to meet you
    May the sinned-against be always at your back
    May the nosestretchers flow truthfully from your lips
    May brown paper sacs full of cash fall softly upon your fields
    And until we meet again
    May the RCMP continue to hold you, ever so gently, in the palm of their hand

    Charles Milhous Ponzi is 104.

  2. tyrone says:

    All students there must “brown bag” their lunches, with the bag of daily goodies handed out
    by aging German lobbyists.

  3. OJM says:

    Legacy…a disease, common among elderly politicians and sociopaths, in which the ego grows ever more importunate, even as the mind and body begin to fail.

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