“Yes, Virginia, you can polish a turd!”
Frank Exclusive! First look at plans for the new Byron Muldoon Institute of Reputation Reclamation at St. Francis Xavier Cougat University
Byron Muldoon has announced plans for a new $60-million institute bearing his name to be established at his alma mater, St. Francis Xavier Cougat University.
The Byron Muldoon Institute of Reputation Reclamation will be housed in yet-to-be-built Muldoon Hall on the podunk campus in Antigonish, N.S., where Muldoon discovered soft women and hard liquor in the late 1950s.
The institute will offer a four-year degree in the arts of image restoration, brand buffing and collective amnesia induction. Graduates are expected to be in high demand by disgraced former politicians, kleptomaniacal corporate executives and turpitudinous pop cultural celebrities, both indicted and, like Mr. Muldoon himself, unindicted—but just barely.
Muldoon Hall (see artist rendering above) is the work of locally renowned architect Frank Dinglebehry, whose soft, flowing, organic shapes reflect his background in the frozen custard business.
University president Ronald McDonald said the hall will house memorabilia from Mr. Muldoon’s nearly nine long years in office, including a handwritten recipe for his favourite cocktail, the NyQuil Muldoon; an autographed photo of the former prime minister with his late Carpathian friends Nicolae and Elena Ceausescu; and the astrological chart prepared for him by Nancy Reagan identifying Oct. 26, 1992, as the best day on which to hold a national referendum.
“Obviously, Muldoon’s just trying to polish his own spittoon before he croaks,” said McDonald of his backwater school’s most famous alumnus. “But, hey, it’s friggin’ Antigonish! We’ll take what we can get.”