Cuz he’s made of wood?
If Trump is a hater, then voting for him is a hate crime. So, if you de-normalize Trump, you de-normalize the millions of your fellow citizens who voted for him. And, if you de-normalize his voters, you de-legitimize their votes. And, if you de-legitimize their votes, you de-legitimize the very idea of representative government. And, if you lead a generation of young Americans down that dark road, you more or less guarantee that argument and Parliament and politics will be succeeded by fisticuffs and terror and horrible consuming violence.
—Mark Steyn, steynonline.com, Nov. 15, 2016.
The ongoing oral anxieties of T. Rex Murphy
Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump may have finally received the campaign miracle he needs: Madonna recently promised that, “If you vote for Hillary Clinton, I will give you a b—j–.” If a spur were needed to drive the millions still in the “undecided” camp to flee in dread to Trump, this is it.
—T. Rex Murphy, National Post, Oct. 21, 2016.
Boasting about her expertise in the area, and her unparalleled experience, Madonna promised to give oral sex to any man who voted for Hillary Clinton. The threat did not go unheeded: all over the country, men went into hiding and trembled with dread. Some went so far as to vote for Donald Trump as the only guaranteed prophylactic.
—T. Rex Murphy, National Post, Nov. 11, 2016.
Let’s just stick to shrieking about rigged elections before they happen
I never ever, ever, ever, ever, ever want to hear another liberal/left commentator shriek about Donald Trump’s (or any other conservative’s) reluctance to accept the outcome of an election in advance. Ever.
—Lorne Gunter, Edmonton Sun, Nov. 15, 2016.
And now we’re going to hear them again
Wednesday morning, president-elect Donald Trump was no longer the stuff of hypothetical scenarios or nightmares, but a hideous reality…. It happened for about a dozen reasons we’ve heard at least a hundred times already….
—Emma Teitel, Toronto Star, Nov. 9, 2016.
Oh, we trust you all right
Do you want to live in a world where people feel free to say what they really think? Trust me, you do not want to hear what I’m thinking right now. My thoughts would be rancid, my words hot tar.
—Heather Mallick, Toronto Star, Nov. 11, 2016.
L’après-midi d’une folle
When I’m under stress, I buy lamps. So I bought many lamps and while assembling the Ikea one, I found the Krusning with Sekond had an essential part missing—brief interlude where my will to live was lost, reminded me of Nov. 8 at midnight—and I had to phone them and ask them to mail it to me and they said it was not a “part” as such and I would have to visit the store and then a sort of grass fire started behind my ears. I realized I was about to turn into an Angry Pyjamas so I apologized to Ikea for having thought worse of them, and ordered a second lamp online with a delivery charge that equalled the price of the lamp. That took a full afternoon.
—Heather Mallick, Toronto Star, Nov. 16, 2016.
And it’s open till 9
Then I shopped for Rustoleum fireplace paint because my brass looked Trumpy, but I couldn’t go to Home Depot because that’s where I was when I got the message saying my friend had killed herself so we brought Tremclad at Canadian Tire.
—Mallick, op. cit.
He should have put on a Klan hood and grabbed a few pussies on the way in…now that would have been funny!
A judge who wore a Donald Trump campaign cap into court on the morning after the presidential election has apologized in open court…. Justice [Bernd] Zabel said…“I wish to apologize for my misguided attempt to mark a moment in history by humour in the courtroom…”
—Reported by Sean Fine, Globe and Mail, Nov. 16, 2016.
Because racist votes matter
Conservative leadership candidate Kellie Leitch isn’t concerned that her campaign is attracting racists, she suggested to a Toronto radio station on Monday. Asked twice by Kelly Cutrara, a host on Talk Radio AM640, if Leitch is worried she might get, or is getting, support from racists, the Ontario Conservative MP said it wasn’t her concern. “I’m not one [a racist] myself. It is not for me to speak about other individuals,” she said.
—Reported by Althia Raj, Huffington Post, Nov. 14, 2016.
Only a one-in-six chance? Well, that certainly equates to absolute nonsense
Two weeks ago, the Sun exclusively reported [translation: “I speculated with no real evidence”] that a file…had been opened to investigate…Maryam Monsef for citizenship fraud. During a recent Huffington Post town hall event…Monsef was specifically asked if she knew anything about the file [and] that any investigation was taking place. “If there’s an investigation, folks are notified,” said Monsef…. Prominent Toronto-based immigration lawyer Guidy Mamann told me the idea someone that [sic] would be notified of an investigation is “absolute nonsense.” Data from the Department of Citizenship and Immigration Canada backs this up. According to a statistical overview…from 2012…there were 3,129 Canadian citizens under investigation for citizenship fraud. Of those, only 530 were notified through what is called a Notice of Intent. In other words, only one in six people investigated for citizenship fraud are notified.
—Candice Malcolm, Sun Media, Nov. 11, 2016.
A laundering conviction? The man was performing a public service!
A Royal Canadian mint worker was convicted of theft and money laundering Wednesday after a judge ruled he smuggled out $162,000 in gold nuggets, likely in his rectum….
—Reported by Kelly Egan, Ottawa Citizen, Nov. 10, 2016.
Couldn’t you at least wait till the little bugger puts his knickers on…?
“We’d better tell him before he goes to school,” my husband, Rob, said as I came downstairs. We both looked at James, our four-year-old, who was on the sofa, naked and wrapped in a sheepskin…. “Listen, mate, we need to tell you something,” Rob began. “Mmm hmm?” said James, not tearing his eyes away from the screen. “A bad and crazy man has been elected the leader of the free world,” Rob continued.
—Leah McLaren, Globe and Mail, Nov. 9, 2016.
Eats his sodding gruel…?
Later, we watched Trump’s victory speech live on the laptop as James ate his porridge. He looked confused by all the clapping and tooth-flashing and hair-flipping going on among team Trump.
“If he’s a bad man, why is he saying nice things?” he asked.
“Because he’s a very happy bad man,” I said.
—McLaren, op. cit.
And finishes playing his stupid games?
After school…James had completely lost interest in the news. He was more concerned with the question of who would win in a fight: A giant tarantula or a poisonous scorpion…? Children don’t automatically understand the underpinnings of democracy, the importance of diplomacy, statesman-like conduct, tolerance and ruling by consensus. These are values we, as adults, have to teach them…. Good parenting, in many ways, is the process of chipping away at…simplistic and dangerous convictions and replacing them with a morally nuanced grasp of reality.
—McLaren, op. cit.
And couldn’t you wait till the other poor little bastard can at least focus?
I looked down at the baby in my arms, just eight weeks old, and felt sorry for him for being born in the same year Donald Trump came to power. Then I thought, “Well at least he’s a privileged white male.” Just what the world needs.
—McLaren, op. cit.