Jason and the Gendernauts

You’re gay aren’t you? @jkenney
–@kdlang, Twitter, Mar. 29.

Jason Kenney’s latest pronouncements on same sexiness come as no surprise to longtime observers of the Alberta Tory party leader.

Kenney told the Calgary Herald/Sun last week that parents should be informed whenever their child joins a gay-straight alliance at school, unless there is “evidence that the parents are abusive.” Any other possible harm to a gay kid as a result of this mandatory outing seemingly escaped the former federal cabinet minister.

Kenney’s deep thoughts on social engineering and keen snitch reflex go back to his salad days as a freshman at the University of San Francisco. So outraged was he to find a pro-choice group permitted to exist on campus that he wrote the Pope, demanding that USF be stripped of its status as a Catholic university.

In the event, young Jason fled California before completing first year.

It was his second abrupt scholastic drop-out, following his mysterious departure from Saint Michael’s University School in Victoria, halfway through his grade 10 year.

Rumours in the hallowed halls of SMUS were whispered rather than shouted (deportment, gentlemen, the key to your ultimate and undoubted success).

And although an ex-dorm-mate was prudently unavailable for comment about, er, whatever it could be all about, Kenney was quietly dismissed by headmaster John Schaffter.

He returned home to Wilcox, Sask. and finished his secondary education at Athol Murray College of Notre Dame (“Moulding The Athols of Tomorrow thince 1920.”)

To this day, Kenney refuses discuss his St. Michael’s experiences, and he redacted his time there from his bio.

“There is a blank space where his private life should be, an X factor,” wrote Postmedia’s Stephen Maher, in a 2014 tiptoe around Kenney’s tulips when he was in the running to replace President Steve Hapre. “He is an unmarried, devout Catholic, which might make it harder for some Canadians to identify with him.”

Ain’t nobody’s business if he don’t, but Monsignor Kenney’s steadfast virginity and early-declared intent to abstain from sex forever–or until the right guy came along (girl, shurely?!—ed.) has inspired no end of uninformed chatter.

Who can forget the early nineties, when Kenney and fellow junior Klansman Rob Anders got mucho mileage out of claims that they went un-laid, not for the glaringly obvious reasons, but by conscious choice.

“I’ve gone as far as kissing and kind of massaging,” Anders told a cringing press, “But that’s as far as I’ve gone.”

Kenney, for his part, vowed to stick to pocket pool.

He’s been trying to outrun that confession ever since, even going semi-public with the issue at the Tory convention in 2013, where he told reporters that the whole story had been concocted by Liberals and fed to the press. I never said it; nothing could be further from the truth, etc.

But a spin through the Ottawa Petfinder circa January 1999 reveals that he is indeed on record in preferring the thrill of the chaste: “I’m a practicing Catholic and I take the teachings of my church pretty seriously.”

Kenney also told the pifflesheet that his sexless existence put him in what many consider an “eccentric minority.”

And still he denies. Long has Kenney claimed to be a victim of manufactured stories and quotes either fictional or taken out of context. Fancy that!

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5 comments on “Jason and the Gendernauts
  1. Nete Peedham says:

    Baird, Anders, Kenney…creepy trio.

    • phargrav says:

      … same goes for most of the current Tory leadership reptiles. Which only begs the question: while we know it’s a good rule not to invite any politician into your home, what is it about Tories that makes them such bad news? You could keep them in a terrarium but they’d only escape.

  2. OJM says:

    To judge from the position of Mr. Kenney’s hand, he is either (1) delusional or (2) worthy of far more respect than I had hitherto imagined.

  3. mmedesevigne says:

    Shurely Anders’ and Kenney’s “conscious choice” not to have sex coincided with the rest of the world’s resolve not to have sex with them, either. We’ve seen this sort of thing before: it’s called making a virtue of necessity.

  4. Rosemary Rich says:

    These comments are truly hilarious. Harvey Milk would be so proud. A rose by Kenney any other lame would yell as bleat. — This loudmouth. So cagey. Year after interminable year with his maybe gaybe. Zzzz. Newsflash Jason Argotwink: No one gives a crap with what you choose to fill your pinched up Tory NoNo Hole™. As the Senate says, “If it feels good, do it – but dont get caught!” Kenney is well aware that homosexual urges, when repressed out of shame or fear, can be expressed as homophobia. Freud famously called this process a “reaction formation” — the angry battle against the outward symbol of feelings that are inwardly being stifled. He’s a master of the political suck and blow. Kenney, not Freud. Growing up, Kenney’s mother had him on a steady diet of repressed emotions for dinner and quiet desperation for dessert.

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