Jessica Muldoon butts in

We have a winner!

Frank is pleased to announce The Preening Parvenu Award for 2018 goes to Byron Muldoon et famille.

A unanimous choice for the coveted prize, the Muldoons beat out Kevin O’Leary, the greasy palmed vulgarian and PPA winner in 2017.

For decades, Byron and Imelda have inspired their progeny with a limitless capacity for the tasteless and the tawdry. From Gucci loafers and monogrammed cuffs to furniture sales at 24 Sussex to paper bags of cash in secret hotel rooms, their grasp has been exceeded only by their reach-around.

For their final act, the Muldoon elders have embarked on a series of rehabilitation tours designed to deodorize Byron’s legacy. (Sadly, these endeavours hit a speed bump at Laval University, where his plan to create The Brian Mulroney Centre for International and Transnational Law was recently voted down by a majority of law profs with his old alma mater.)

But the old crook had greater success at St. Thomas University in Fredericton earlier this month, where he and Imelda were awarded honourary degrees (presumably in exchange for a donation of undisclosed magnitude.)

Imelda may have flunked out of Concordia University, but she’s now got two (count ‘em!) honourary degrees. The first from St. F. X., was conferred in 2004 in recognition of her, er, volunteer work.

And then there’s Jessica Muldoon, wife of Ben, who has picked up the torch of public self-pleasuring and taken it to places unseen since Paulina Gretzky bestrode Instagram.

Jessica recently wangled her way into the Royal Wedding as “Honourary Maid of Honour” to Meghan Markle, to whom she long ago attached herself like a sucker fish.

But her brand leveraging began months in advance and included a well-rehearsed reprisal of Pippa Middleton’s notorious ass-shot at the wedding of sister Kate to Prince William in 2011.

Pippa (l) and Jessica (r)

According to UK tabloid The Sun, a month before the wedding, Jessica offered a photographer a “rear shot” of her ascending the steps of St. George’s Chapel in a $1500 royal blue dress.

The wedding wasn’t even over when the brand behind her dress started promoting it under the name, The Jessica Dress

Meanwhile, another business associate busily promoted Jessica to People Magazine.

Mulroney “was dressed in blue and wearing blue sapphire earrings, so it was almost that she acted as [Meghan’s] ’something blue,’ ” says Eva Hartling, vice president of Birks at the Birks Group (Meghan’s go-to jeweler.)”

Readers will recall that Jessica and Eva were the Birks braintrust who got Sophie Gregoire in shit for wearing a borrowed $7,000 maple leaf brooch from Birks to meet the Queen in 2015.

No mention in the coverage that Jessica is a paid brand ambassador for Birks.

As one longtime observer of Jessica’s oeuvre observed, “This kind of friendship leveraging is beyond shameless.”

Speaking of shameless, how about the National Post, which this week churned out a squirmy fluffer with extensive quotes from its own society columnist, Amoryn Engel—who is also one of Mulroney’s closest friends and enablers:

“She’ll probably be approached by many more people who want access to Meghan, but she doesn’t offer it. That’s not what she does. She’s very principled.”

Just so.

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11 comments on “Jessica Muldoon butts in
  1. John MacLachlan Gray says:

    I suppose elective cosmetic surgery could be interpreted as “volunteer work.”

  2. gormab says:

    STU is in Fredericton, which means he may have had to swim for his doctor of whatever.

  3. Forbes Kennedy says:

    Lost all interest in Jessie after I lost the maidenhead raffle.

  4. OJM says:

    Something blue? Something parvenu is more like it.

  5. Mommabear says:

    Must be something in their water supply. They exude tackiness.

  6. Alan Smithee says:

    “No whore like an old whore.” — Byron McNyQuil Muldoon

  7. Roland Beaulieu says:

    How can the media keep the Muldoon mob in the news. As stated elsewhere, their tacky profile knows no bounds. Muldoon’s relationships with proven behind the scenes financial acrobatics should disqualify them from anything other then being used as bad examples of poorly brought up miscreants.

  8. RoddyPiper says:

    A faculty member at St. Thomas reports that there were two rows of empty chairs on the stage: less than 30 of the 130 faculty members attended the Muldoon Dishonourable Degree Fest, although it was hard to tell whether their primary motivation was loathing of the Muldoons or loathing of their President.

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