Alberta Report: UCP Pansy Putsch

The exquisite balancing act of keeping Alberta’s conservatives united continues for their lord and saviour, Jason Kenney.

To wit: The UCP supremo will not waddle in Edmonton’s Pride parade. He will attend the (party-organized) Pride breakfast. He will not eat the sausages, no matter how delectable. Balance. Moderation. Steady on, old boy!

The sodomites, bless them, remain a vexing wedge for the party grassroots, even tempting some into the sin of ad hominem.

Take, for example, last month’s policy purse-swinger over gay-straight alliances, and whether high schools should be required to alert parents that their little ones are consorting with pillow biters.

Party members voted hell, yes, but Kenney overruled them, in a statesmanlike volte-face from his previous pro-outing position last summer, when he was seeking their votes for the leadership.

Cue the usual shopworn Levitical whispers about Our Jason of Perpetual Abstinence. For whatever reason, an old Frank yarn (Jason Kenney’s Kloset, Dec. 2014) concerning a teenaged Kenney’s unexplained drop-out from St. Michael’s University School in Victoria leapt back onto our website’s hit parade of most-read stories.

Balance. Moderation. Even as the knuckle-draggers and knee-benders worry their party’s been co-opted by crypto-queers, comes shocking news: The party actually employs…a gay! And not just a once-considered-joining-the-priesthood gay, but an openly gay, totally gay, er, gay!

But fret not, gentle breeder. UCP operatives are on the case. Chief among the tormenters of the poor poofter, whose name escapes me, is Kenney braunskirt Anne Jordan. The party organizer and registered nurse (pro-life, pro-gun, no funny stuff) has been most forceful in her suggestions that our protagonist is perhaps not the best fit for Alberta’s modern stone-age conservative party.

Among the conditions for any chance of holding onto his job, according to party gossips, Anne demanded he produce ‘a list of his partners and any other men he has slept with.’


Alas, Anne’s charm offensive, while encouraging other UCP Adams and Steves to dust off their c.v.’s, only got Mr. X’s back up, and he instead started forwarding their text exchanges to party MLAs and threatening to go public not only with this egregious harassment, but with the names of gentlemen whom he knows to have enjoyed the favours of none other than Monsignor Kenney himself!

While nobody believed such outrageous tattle for a moment, frantic calls nonetheless ensued from the offices of several honourable members, entreating him not to do anything rash.

Balance. Moderation. Steady…

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3 comments on “Alberta Report: UCP Pansy Putsch
  1. Nete Peedham says:

    So, maybe Jason was such a dick that even St. Michael’s University School noticed?

  2. reym says:

    Love Anne’s Alberta haute couture! Atelier Myron Thompson?

  3. daveS says:

    And people looking at her LinkedIn page “also viewed”
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