Much hilarity as John Ivison once again boldly lifted the kilt of speculation, exposing himself to collegial mockery with another brave, source-free prediction, to wit: Julie Payette will be shuffled from her half-assed labours as reluctant Rt. Hon. Birthday Clown to a new sinecure as Women, Peace and Security Ambassador.
“Do not be shocked if this most touchy-feely of governments has created an expensive, superfluous position to provide a soft landing for Payette and cover for a blunder of its own making,” he typed.
You heard it here first. And almost certainly last.
As Postmedia chases their last functioning reporters out the windows with buyouts and executions, the National Post‘s professional Scotsman still somehow commands $150,000+ for recapping episodes of Yes Minister, padding his obscene margin of victory as Frank‘s top Cliché-o-Matic dishonouree*, and above all, getting it wrong, wrong, always fucking wrong.
Who can forget John’s December 2013 scoop, exclusively revealing that President Steve Harper would retire after his upcoming Israel toot?
It was all too much for gallery colleagues, who proceeded to rain shit down on the sadly misinformed Post hack. Among the unkindest, the Globe and Mail‘s John Ibbitson, who joked through gritted teeth on CFRA Radio that although he and Ivison have similar-sounding names, heaven forfend that sensible folk should confuse them:
“Listeners should ask themselves one question: When have I seen a column that said ‘based on conversations with unnamed sources, based on senior officials inside the prime minister’s office, based on disgruntled backbench conservative MPs?’ There’s never been one single story [in which] somebody talked to someone who knew something. Nothing but speculation. Journalists talking to journalists. It’s all baseless.”
Or how about his April 2016 knee-slapper that Harper would come out of retirement to lead the sad sack Tories out of the wilderness? Cue once again the ridicule of John’s peers. Buzzfeed typist Paul McLeod was particularly merciless on Canadaland, opining that the credulous Ivison had been played by his Tory sources.
Months later, Ivison, panties still a-bunch, confronts McLeod at the Parliamentary Press Gallery Dinner over his “unethical” commentary.
“What the fuck do you know? You never got a scoop in your life,” rages Ivison.
“Sure I have,” replies McLeod, citing examples. (name one!!–ed.)
“Well, I never read your stuff,” retorts Ivison. “How dar you take shots at me when I can’t take shots at you?”
“Why can’t you accept that you got played?”
“I’m going to punch this guy in the face if I stand here a second longer,” Ivison fumes as he retreats, a prophet without honour in this country, too.
*Those Ivison clichés in full (17 citations): grand bargain, nothing to see here, snatch defeat from the jaws of victory, the vast majority, unforced error, overplay their hand, canary in the coal mine, smacks of, fell on deaf ears, rabbit hole, job one, cold comfort, dog whistle, it is what it is, man up, double down, Orwellian.