Say No Moore! Wilfred’s last ride

So it’s Freedom 39 for Industry Minister James Moore, just the latest Harper cabmin lured from his selfless public service by the siren song of domestic life.

Frank as always, takes the honourable minister at his word that the exigencies of family hasten his flight from Ottawa, and certainly not scurrilous reports in the satirical press re extra-curriculars with ministerial sluggette Vanessa Schneider.

Return with Frank to early April. It’s late evening at local watering hole Metropolitain on Sussex Drive and over-refreshed hacks and politicos are drifting home. Among them is freelance journo Matt Millar, who discovers that another reveller has left behind a government issue BlackBerry.

Millar spins through it and discovers the Berry belongs to Vanessa Schneider, longtime Hill staffer, Fraser Institute alum and, at the time, senior aide to Denis Lebel, the Tories’ Minister of Infrastructure.

Rummaging deeper, Millar finds Schneider’s T4 from last year (salary: $120,000) and over 50 messages she has exchanged with someone with the sexting pseudonym “Wilfrid.”

Millar takes screen shots of the racy sexts, including: “We haven’t had sex since Christmas!” and “Ride me til you cum!”

“Next event we should rent a room at the Chateau, fake an uegent [sic] phone call, and go upstairs and fuck each others’ brains out,” reads another.

Millar then returns the Berry to Metropolitain, and Schneider is none the wiser that anyone has been combing through her phone.

So who is “Wilfrid”?

According to Vanessa’s contact list:

James Moore

BBMessenger Handle: “Wilfrid”

BBM Pin: 75B6C97E

Millar shopped this sordid scoop of Blackberry blueballing around to media outlets, including Postmedia, iPolitics and the Toronto Star, but nobody was biting. Moore’s popularity with press gallery hacks and the whiff of phone-hacking larceny seemed enough to keep the hanky-spanky yarn out of the working press.

Moore, meanwhile, made himself scarce, cancelling appearances and claiming through intermediaries that the sexting exchanges had nothing to do with him, and had been between Schneider and her boyfriend — which would have been a more convincing explanation if she’d, er, had one.

Schneider coincidentally left Ottawa just ahead of the shit storm, taking a job as a senior flunky to B. C. Premier Christy Clark in Victoria and leaving behind accusations that Millar had stolen her BB.

And yet the tattle has refused to die, stoked by Millar and others on social media with the hashtag #RideMeWilfred and joyfully bruited about by Jason Kenney’s supporters.

Monsignor Kenney, of course, fancies himself a leading contender for 24 Sussex, if, and when, President Steve vacates the premises.

Moore might have been his chief rival, but then the sexting story broke and really, what could the Kenneyites do but gleefully spread the salacious tattle throughout the Torysphere? Moore was toast.

Of course, this isn’t the first time the Minister for Arrested Development found himself forced to deny ludicrous tales of horndoggery, like last year’s reports he’d been trolling for horizontal dance partners on Tinder.

Vancouver’s News 1130 radio spotted the much-married member for Port Moody-Westwood-Port Coquitlam’s pic on the hook-up app, and the account for “James, 38” linked to his official Facebook page. A transparent and amateurish fake, bien sur.

“The Minister has never created or used a Tinder account,” quoth ministerial bumpersons. “The Minister has frequently been the victim of impersonation on social media. Unfortunately, this is a reality of being a public figure.”

And it was deny, deny, deny back in ’07 when Dipper Irene Mathyssen complained that Moore was relieving himself of the tedium of the House by ogling T&A on his laptop, in full view of the public gallery.
The accused Spanker of the House, hairy hand to God, insisted he hadn’t “the faintest idea what my colleague is talking about.” “It is utterly baseless; utterly non-sensical,” he sputtered. “I would never do anything that is being ascribed to me today. I take great offence to what’s being alleged here.”

At the time, Moore was still recovering from his brutal curb-kicking by PMO spinharpy Sandra Buckler (Franks passim, ad nauseam).

The gruesome duo had hooked up during the Junior Martin premiership. At their kinkiest, James was Public Works critic during the $1-billion Royal Lepage Relocation Services contracting boondoggle, while Sandra was a lobbyist for, er, Royal Lepage Relocation Services.

Harold and Maude became a fixture on the BC Tory flesh-pressing circuit. The pair spent most of the ’06 election on opposite sides of the country, but once the Tories clawed their way into power, capital goss tapped the twosome as the next great Ottawa power couple.
Alas, while Sandra went to PMO, James was initially passed over for cabinet in favour of David Emerson, and soon after found himself declared surplus to requirements by the delightful Ms.B.

Sandra subsequently married navy officer Richard “Able Semen” Gravel, and showed the usual Harperite class post-break-up, uncharitably whispering to Tory galpals that Jimbo’s horizontal game was so lacking that she actually suspected him of avid pianism.

Before his 2011 nuptials to Courtney Payne, another PMO commsthingy, put paid to that speculation for ever and ever, amen, Moore had racked up similar lukewarm reviews from galpals back in the, er, riding (c’mon down, Rachel Marsden!)

They soon tired of Jimbo cancelling dates to attend games of jai alai featuring his beloved Port Coquitlam Adanacs, or subjecting them to perfunctory legovers in the back of his John Street constit office, before returning to his ongoing game of Grand Theft Auto.

Anthony Weiner is 82.

 

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3 comments on “Say No Moore! Wilfred’s last ride
  1. rumleyfips says:

    Maybe he’ll move to Bountiful.

  2. OJM says:

    Once again, Frank delivers the news Canada’s non-satirical press dares not even possess. Renew my subscription. (A cheque written on my Money Mart account is forthcoming.)

  3. Patrick60 says:

    So what’s the story they’re floating about his special needs kid, whom he’s ignored until now?

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