Jeffrey Simpson: Anal bleaching made easy!

Now that John Stackhouse has walked the plank, how long before new boy David Walmsley jettisons some of his predecessor’s wacko ideas?

Perhaps it was a sign of desperation, but in the dying days of his regime, Stackhouse was reduced to peddling erotica in the pages of the old grey Globe:

“Sex—low-brow and high—is a hot news topic,” he advised subscribers in a Mar. 10 email, “And that won’t go away anytime soon.”

Stackhouse, who himself went away nine days later, was responding to reader uproar over a Mar. 5 piece by Amberly McAteer. The paper’s resident sexpert began her column by quoting an anonymous reader: “My girlfriend [doesn’t] like to give oral sex. In fact, she’s never gone down on me…she says the idea of putting it in her mouth grosses her out. I wonder if there’s anything I can do to make this happen. Why would she not like it? Do you think this is a deal-breaker?” (It was for dozens of subscribers, who cancelled their subscriptions.)

More readers jumped ship after the publication, Mar. 25, of a column on the joys of yoga and sex: “Using and engaging Mula Bandha can actually help you have better orgasms. The perineum is the muscular body between the anus and genitals. In yoga, it is believed that by slightly contracting the pubococcygeal muscles, we create an energetic seal that locks—“(that’s enough soft porn!! —ed.)

All this comes as a bit of a shock to those who know Globe supremo Phil Crawley. Not so long ago, the prim-lipped publisher was flipping out over Globe travel features on gay destinations. In a fit of Victorian pique, he ordered travel section poofters to cease with the “hanky spanky” and get back to fambly values.

To his credit, Crawley has loosened up over the years, but now that the Globe orgasmatron has gone berserk, expect the tight-perineum memos to return any moment.

Meanwhile, enthusiasm for the new Walmsley regime was dampened somewhat by rumours that Stackhouse carved himself a sweetheart exit deal for two years salary—a total of $650,000!
Hacks were unamused. At a time of brutal cutbacks, that’s no joke.

As for Walmsley, while there’s more hope, some journos were wondering why he would return to an employer he himself has identified as woefully dysfunctional? Presumably, the $325K salary doesn’t hurt.

There are also some rumblings about the fact that in his opening address to employees, he didn’t mention layoffs, unpaid leaves, out sourcing and a bargaining year, as if he was avoiding the harsher realities and focusing more on being liked.


Once again, the basement dwelling elf lords who cobble together the Toronto Sports Media blog are being economical with the actualite. That’s the way it goes when you don’t have sources—you have to make up shit.

Their most recent whoppers concerned the Globe sports pages, which the bloggers claimed would soon be reduced to two pages, that sports editor Shawna Richer would get punted and/or the entire section could be farmed out to Rogers or TSN.

Sorry, lads, there was never any intent to deep six sports. Indeed, Crawley/Walmsley have repeated their commitment to sports by restoring some of the travel budget, (Roy Macgregor is off to the Masters this week, John Doyle will do the World Cup, the hockey hacks will even cover some of the Stanley Cup playoffs.)

Most importantly, however, management signaled its intentions by advertising Mar. 28 for a Toronto sports columnist, which read, in part:

“The sports department has an opening for a general columnist, based in Toronto. The successful candidate will have an excellent and wide ranging perspective honed by years of experience in the daily sports environment, an extensive knowledge of core sports and sports business (hockey, baseball, football, basketball, soccer and Olympic disciplines), and an interest and proven ability to report and break stories across the various leagues.”

Bloggers need not apply.


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One comment on “Jeffrey Simpson: Anal bleaching made easy!
  1. rocker319 says:

    Newspapers. Their future is what? Websites that attract millions and billions? That’s the future, isn’t it? And what percentage of them are fronts for secret corporate/government agencies, because they can do that stuff any time they want?

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