Sen. Duffy’s Diary

Sept. 13, 2014
What a summer! The most horribilis anus ever. Now, thank God, the ol’ Duff’s back in his secondary residence and off that claustrophobic island of inbred potato heads he thought he’d left behind permanently 45 years ago. The things we do for our country!What…did I just hear that right!? CFRA just said the DQ in Bell’s Corners has got their Pumpkin Pie Blizzards on the menu again. No, I can’t, Mr. Radio Man, but thanks anyway…. Well, I guess I could tell Heather I’m just going for a drive….Ah, what the heck, it’ll do me good to get a feel for the old neighbourhood again, feel the wind in my hair.Kanata
Sept. 15, 2014

The whole legal system is stacked against little guys like me. It’s totally unfair. Why can’t I have a whole legal team like O.J. did?

Me, I got all my eggs in this Bayne guy’s basket. What if the audience doesn’t like Mr. Smoothy from the get-go? What if it gets bored listening to Mr. Even Keel? I’m fucked, that’s what if.

So where’s that Tommie Cochran guy when I need him? “If it ain’t Wright, it can’t be wrong.” “Life is a highway” That’s what I need–a little showmanship.

And not just courtroom pizzazz. O.J.’s team had all the angles covered. They had the father of that Kardashian girl with the big butt sitting there day after day, probably just to attract black viewers. And they had that DNA expert–Barry Manilow, was that his name?–that guy was so mind-numbingly tedious they were ready to let O.J. walk just so they wouldn’t have to listen to him droning on anymore.

Why can’t I have my own DNA expert? It’s not fair.

Sept. 16, 2014

Bayne keeps telling me to keep my lips zipped, not to talk to anyone. But that’s a hard thing to ask of someone who’s made a mighty fine living with his lips. I think sometimes Bayne forgets he’s talking to one of the most skilled and experienced communicators in the country. If anyone knows how to work the media in this town, what buttons to push, what ‘Berries to pick, it’s the ol’ Duff.

That’s why I’ve taken it upon myself to straighten out some of the sloppy thinking in a CP story from yesterday, by some political naif over there. Probably got the job because he went to J-skool or something. So I sent out a confidential email to some of my old friends in the media, people I can trust to think for themselves, subtly trying to get them leaning in the right direction.

First, I tell them, this whole thing isn’t, as CP implied, about me tossing mud at the Tories. Far from it. I’m just seeking to restore my good name, I tell them. It’s certainly not my intention to hurt anyone in the process.

But if the truth causes a little collateral damage, if viewers rally around a poor sitting Senator forced under threat to follow the PM’s nefarious plan, I certainly can’t help that. Heck, I’m not out to settle scores or launch a vendetta. I’m a far, far bigger man than that. And I want the viewers to understand that.

Sept. 21, 2014.

All right, which one of you traitorous rat bastards leaked my confidential email to fucking Frank magazine?! I’ll sue!

Sept. 23, 2014.

Apr. 7!

Hope you’re still “good to go,” Stevie, ’cause you’re good as gone!

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