“I don’t hold any personal animation against anybody” – Myron Thompson, MP
It’s a week of bicameral magic as Frank presents the 2017 Myron Awards for execrance in public life, named in honour of the incomparable Myron Thompson, Reform-Canadian-Alliance-Conservative MP for Wild Rose (1993-2008).
It was way back in 1996 that my organ first surveyed the dystopian crapscape of parliament, and picked out 12 of its least promising inmates, a collection we called the Dozy Dozen. These were farm-fresh Grade-Z dullards, objects of scorn for everyone, from acned pages on up.
Frank’s talent scouts knew a losebag when they saw one, and the inaugural list boasted such luminaries as Jag Bhaduria, freshly liberated from the Liberal caucus for his fictitious LL.B. (Int) law degree, and foaming letters to his onetime employers at the Toronto School Board, wishing them lined up against the wall and shot.
Then there was Jack Ramsay, the tough-on-crime Reformer for Crowfoot, who would later be convicted of an attempted sexual assault on a 14-year-old Cree girl from back in his days as a Mountie. (Jacko got the rap reduced on appeal to indecent assault.)
Even in such a kakistocratic wasteland, though, the florid moonscape visage of the honourable member for Wild Rose demanded recognition. More moderate caucus-mates cut a wide path around Myron and his clog-popping apolexies on abortion, young offenders and homosexualists, as he plunged toward the scrum, one Flintstonesque foot perpetually jammed in his gob.
It was Thompson who, along with fellow tar-pitter Darrel Stinson, hired a private eye to ratfuck the Liberals, only to have the entire scheme blow up in then-leader Stock Day’s much-blackened face.
And our Myron was Sajjan before Sajjan, claiming to have tried out for the New York Yankees, and hit .400 with their farm team, the Denver Bears. Alas, any record of his illustrious sporting career proved stubbornly non-existent, and Myron was soon back-peddling.
The satirical press was inconsolable when Myron retired in ’08. We shall never see his like again, but heirs to the Thompsonian legacy live on today in the Failin’ 42nd Parliament of Canada.
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And the Myron goes to…