‘From rehab to the cabinet table,’ the CBC helpfully narrated the redemption of Semen O’Regus, which continues apace with his anointnment as tiny, imperfect minister of Veterans’ Affairs.
A mere forty days in dryout, and the flameout of utility-challenged Public Works Minister Judy Foote, was all it took to get our boy back on his teensy feet again.
Frank is confident the lads at the Legion are going to love the teetotalling twerp, now that the felicitously-named Kent Hehr has been wheeled downstairs to amateur sport and gimpy-Canadians. (Fellow Alberta MP Randy Boissonnault, currently the PM’s special interlocutor-without-limo on LGBTQETC issues, can only watch Kent’s trajectory, and Calgary-Skyview’s Darshan Kang joining Hunter Tootoo in the Independent Bungabunga Caucus…and wait.)
Of all Justin Trudeau‘s close personal friends in all the ridings in all of Liberal-swept Newfoundland, what were the odds it turned out to be our Seamus who ended up scoring Judy’s regional spot in cabinet? Just another fabulous stroke of luck for the fun-sized preener, who was also, readers may recall, spared the formality of contesting the nomination in St. John’s South-Mount Pearl.
Justin’s HO-scale shopping buddy had originally had his wee heart set on Toronto Centre, inconveniently earmarked for Chrystia “Britney” Freeland. Neighbouring T.O. ridings would perforce require the winning of a nomination tilt, an enterprise thought beyond Seamus’ political competence, limited as it is to long-ago stints as a junior fartcatcher to Brian Tobin and Jean Charest.
After careful consultation with Team Justin, it was decided the erstwhile Canada AM meatwhistle would shortarse it back to Newfoundland, where he hadn’t lived in 15 years.
Since Seamus and delightful hubby Steve Doussis were thought a tough sell in the churchy rural areas of the Rock, that left two urban ridings in St. John’s. Liberal polling fingered St. John’s South-Mount Pearl, then in the clutches of Knee-Dipper Ryan Cleary, as the most snatchable, and O’Regan packed his parachute.
One hitch: well-known local real estate thingy Jim Burton had already announced for the nomination. He got a visit from Tobin, who explained that the riding was to be O’Regan’s and PM Trudeau II would have no trouble finding a comfy federal board appointment prize for his non-interference in the coronation.
A queasy Burton took one whiff of the oily Tobin oeuvre and suddenly remembered pressing business elsewhere, ceding the field to our boy Seamus.
With the fix thus in, Seamus didn’t even bother to stick around St. John’s to arsecreep local Libs. In the week leading up to the official close of potential candidacies, he instead strapped himself to the bar at the LPC(O) knees-up in Markham Sept. 12-14.
Candidate Regan’s public speaking debut back in St. John’s came three days after his nomination, at a Sept. 25 shindig sponsored by The Walrus at The Rooms, and he bombed.
Turns out the beloved televisual personality is somewhat at sea without a TelePrompTer, and mush-mouthed his way agonizingly through his notes. Shurely with a little practice?
It got worse. Few could forget his infamous appearance on NTV, where he twice wandered off camera during an interview, was a matter of being too hung over to think straight.
Semen’s bibulous adventures go way back. Colleagues on CTV’s Canada AM recall him wobbling into the studio, still reeking from a night on the piss in Ottawa. He’d taken the last flight out of the capital and then stumbled straight from the airport to CTV and on air.
In January 2016, after more rat-arsed hijinks over Christmas and an intervention by friends and family, Semen announced, in flawless Liberal Duckspeak, he was off the sauce:
“After consultation with family [I have decided] that I can be most effective as a Member of Parliament by adopting an alcohol free lifestyle…I have entered a wellness program…my family and I ask for privacy.”
And now, safety first, he’s got a car and driver, so treble sodas all ’round!