Fatty Matty Big and Bouncy

Trolling through the twittersphere, I espy my old compadre Matthew Fisher dumping on Ottawa journos for being soft on Senators’ owner Eugene Melnyk.

“Been a journalist for 44 years,” the recently retired Postmedia correspondent burbled April 10. “I’d say the Ottawa media have never been hard enough on Melnyk.”

Good Lord! Shurely this cannot be the same military typist Fat Matt Fisher, who never met a brass ass he couldn’t kiss?

Alas, it is he—grateful recipient of the Harper government’s Diamond Jubilee medal and past winner of the Ross Munro Award aka defence lobbyists annual honour for conspicuous arselickin (proven patriotism, shurely?!—ed.) in covering Canadian defence issues.

In exchange for his years of service, an appreciative Canadian military has taxied Matt hundreds of thousands of miles in free rides by land, sea and air.

Unfortunately, there has been the occasional SNAFU.

A 2011 toot from Kandahar Airfield to the Provincial Reconstruction Team base in Kandahar City hit a snag when Matty clambered into a LAV-4, only to find that the seatbelt was unequal to his circumference. All efforts to secure the Giant of Journalism failed and poor Master Fisher was left in the dust as the convoy peeled out.

And who can forget his cheerleading for the Iraqi fustercluck of 2003?

“The United States Marine Corps received a joyous welcome from Iraqi civilians and soldiers alike yesterday as they crashed deep into Iraqi territory on the great march to Baghdad. All along the road, for many kilometres, Iraqi civilians and soldiers waved, blew kisses and gave the thumbs up to passing marine vehicles. Many of the Iraqi soldiers have thrown away their combat boots and parts of their uniform, either to show they are no longer combatants or to exhibit their displeasure with leader Saddam Hussein.”

Democracy, stability and trebles all ‘round soon ensued.

Perhaps Matt’s greatest moment as a Postmedia belletrist came whilst covering his hero, President Steve, on an international photo-op tour of China, New Zealand and Australia in 2015.

In the event, Matt held court in Beijing, proclaiming loudly to his junior colleagues that hackery ain’t wot it used to be. Too much politically correct behaviour, too many well-behaved typists repairing to their hotel rooms instead of tearing up the town.

“But not me! I’m going out whoring!” quoth Matt, as he rounded up a group of Japanese journos to help him scout the talent in Beijing.

“Nothin’ illegal; It’s legal you know!” he bellowed.

Matt, who claims he hasn’t had a white woman in 20 years, has always fancied himself a lothario.

And ever since he got his stomach stapled and dropped 100 pounds, he’s been unstoppable; He’s Not Quite as Fat Matt. Lock up your whores!

We can only imagine the uproar at Matt’s new gig as a Fellow with the Canadian Global Affairs Institute should his sentiments ever be revealed in the midst of our Important National Conversation™ on sexual misconduct, sexism and the straight man’s burden.



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4 comments on “Fatty Matty Big and Bouncy
  1. Papadoc says:

    Pity Matt didn’t have his fingers stapled to spare us all his sycophantic drivel.

  2. daveS says:

    “Forces plan rule changes as 15 per cent of Canada’s regular military unable to deploy”
    Ottawa Citizen April 17, 2018

    Rules can be changed to ‘fit’ the overweight, out-of-shape, morose, desk-bound…. etc. troupes and their faithful civilian press flacks.

  3. John MacLachlan Gray says:

    Ever wonder why, in that pic with McKay etc, Fisher is the only one wearing a helmet? Protecting the brains of Postmedia, no doubt.

  4. Patrick60 says:

    Now I suppose the cheerleading will be for the invasion of Syria. Different dirt, same meme.

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