Teat-free since 2013
I don’t know Patrick Brazeau. I’ve interviewed him a couple of times, spoken to him on the phone, saw from his televised boxing match with Justin Trudeau that he can’t deliver a good punch and know that he seems to have behaved rather poorly on several levels.
But I’ll say this for the guy: Unlike most politicians who lose their jobs, he doesn’t find another public teat on which to suckle or go to some totally pointless and redundant consulting group.
—Michael Cornhole, Toronto Sun, Feb. 20, 2014.
Hedvig and the Angry Inch-Tall People
Hedvig, a Danish mother of young children living in Canada, told me she couldn’t understand the uproar over Marius. But then she also has a family tradition of baking birthday cakes in the shape of tiny people—and having her children stab them with a knife. She tried to introduce this custom to Canada, she said, without much success.
—Elizabeth Renzetti, Globe and Mail, Feb. 15, 2014.
When man do good
Crosby gave teammate Patrice Bergeron a bear hug; the kind men give men when they are deliriously happy. Near the door stood Canadian Olympic Committee boss Marcel Aubut, and Crosby paused to say hello. Aubut reached out and grabbed the hockey star’s hand, pulling him in for a full body handshake, only a barricade getting in the way of a bear hug, the kind of congratulations that men give men, when a man does good.
—Shawna Richer, Globe and Mail, Feb. 23, 2014.
My philosophy is make your guest shine and then you’ll shine. That’s how Grapes and I have succeeded for so many years. I totally defer in the sense that I want him to look great and if he does then, by default, I can tag along.
—Don Cherry bumboy Ron MacLean, “condensed and edited by Courtney Shea,” Globe and Mail, Feb. 10, 2014.
And some, like Cherry and Mansbridge, even made it to high school!
When I first started working in this business I had basically no experience. By all logical reasoning, I shouldn’t have been given a job on television. Typically people go to school for years for this sort of opportunity.
—Celebrity fluffer Ben Muldoon, “condensed and edited by Courtney Shea,” Globe and Mail, Feb. 24, 2014.
Pass the Gravol
[E]ven though their salad days are behind them, they feel the compulsion to toss the lettuce together. Yet, spinning on the carousel of love’s arrival is a trolley full of old baggage…. All the same, she takes the leap because she’s lonely and she still enjoys a good roll on a sandy beach.
—Katherine Monk, Postmedia News, Feb. 14, 2014.
And it’s great on waffles
To aficionados of red Burgundy, pinot noir’s highest expression, “jammy” tends to be a pejorative term. Pinot should be delicate, crisp and light on its feet, the thinking goes. But sometimes a big, thick pinot can be a good pinot. Here’s an almost syrupy example that manages to speak clearly of the grape—a bushel of berries enlivened by baking spices and earthy, dark-roast coffee.
—Beppi Creosote, Globe and Mail, Feb. 14.
This does not mean they are to be worn revealingly or uncomfortably tight in the groin and butt. The waistband should not pinch you or give you a muffin top, nor should your bulging crotch cause great embarrassment to the accidental glimpser.
—Wussell Smith, Globe and Mail, Feb. 5, 2014.
You want to buy them just a little tight, because they are going to stretch about an inch in every direction, and they will not shrink because you are not going to wash them, ever—the blue dye comes out in hot water, so the jeans will fade and stain your other clothes. You will just wipe off smudges with a damp cloth.
—Wussell Smith, Globe and Mail, Feb. 19, 2014.
Inside daddy’s studio
As a writer, I know how it feels to pursue an elusive, quixotic, some might even say chimerical goal (at least that way I can use all the fancy words I know)…. My parents weren’t discouraging, exactly, when I started out. But I recall once early on I felt discouraged and muttered something to the effect of “maybe I should have been a lawyer after all.” Next time I visited my mother’s house, her coffee table was bristling with law-school brochures…. My oldest son wants to be an actor. As we all know, this is a difficult path. So for the past year, I’ve been buttonholing actor-friends and director-friends to come over and tell him just what a difficult path it is, all the ups and downs. I’m not trying to discourage him. I’m just trying to give him an impression of what a freakin’ knife fight it is…
—Globe and Mail agony aunt David Eddie solves another one of your problems, Feb. 14, 2014.
“Not a presumptuous wanker” is another possibility
Every man who refuses to self-identify as a feminist is ignorant, selfish or cowardly.
—UBC PhD candidate David Moscrop, Ottawa Citizen, Feb. 15, 2014.