Drivel, Mar. 18, 2015

To say nothing of the damage she’s done to the ozone layer with her hairspray
Mounties accuse Pamela Wallin of fraud, breach of trust
—Toronto Star, Mar. 9, 2015.

Well, then…
I’ve read the Qur’an multiple times [sic]. I’ve done the crash course in Islamic history and jurisprudence. I routinely chat with Muslims, both supremacists and liberal. Heck, I even watched Lawrence of Arabia as a kid. So when I argue that wearing the niqab is a pretty bad choice to make and that the government is completely right to insist women remove it during citizenship oaths, I’m not saying that out of ignorance.
—Anthony Furey, Sun Media, Mar, 14, 2015.

Also, the judge, both legal teams, the jury, the gallery, the clerk, the court reporter, the security officer, and—for God’s sake, what did he ever do to you!?—the poor old bailiff with the weak ticker
As the deliberations in the trial of two alleged Via train terrorists drag on…those of us who sit and wait indulge in fantasies—the most amusing of which has the women reporters (most of us covering this case are women) fill the front row the next time we are summoned into court and in unison flash the two devout accused. The bet is they’d take a quick peek before calling down the wrath of Allah upon us.
—Crusty Blatchford, National Post, Mar. 17, 2015.

Aren’t you forgetting, sir, all those men, women and children who laid out their hard-earned money for a Popeil Pocket Fisherman?
Even worse, Green Party leader Elizabeth May, after hearing about the memorial to the victims of communism, wondered why there was no monument to the victims of capitalism. Apparently, May doesn’t realize that the victims of communism were men, women and children, while the “victims” of capitalism were the Edsel, Beta tapes and New Coke.
—Gerry Nicholls, Sun Media, Mar. 18, 2015.

Speak for yourself!
Women, I have no advice. Wait, “never underestimate how much you are hated,” that’s a good one.
—Heather Mallick, Toronto Star, Mar. 11, 2015.

On the origins of speciousness
[Naomi] Klein’s book, This Changes Everything: Capitalism vs. the Climate, is the basic text of the modern era, the book you must buy, read, re-read, study, treasure and pass on…. Klein’s the Darwin of our time.
—Mallick, op. cit.

You missed one: a hack with a column to fill
Useless things:
Teats on a bull.
Screen door on a submarine.
One-legged man at an arse-kicking competition.
Condom machine in the Vatican.
Tunnel to nowhere on the York U campus.
And a goal-scoring sniper with a jam up his barrel.
—Rosie DiManno, Toronto Star, Mar. 8, 2015.

I like to think of it as a clear demonstration of the Fitzgeraldian epigram, “The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposing ideas in mind at the same time…”
While it is not clear that climate change is occurring, there is no dispute that the polar ice cap has receded…
—Conrad Black, National Post, Mar. 14, 2015.

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3 comments on “Drivel, Mar. 18, 2015
  1. orphancarguy says:

    The mind boggles at the old Crustacean flashing anything. I suppose it must happen ‘naturally’ every time she moults.

  2. Patrick60 says:

    I agree. Crusty’s flashing would constitute cruel and unnatural punishment.

  3. mmedesevigne says:

    Thank you, Frank! “On the origins of speciousness” is the best laugh I’ve had this week.

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