Stop the Presses: The battle of the Maudlin Mavens is about to erupt at The Deathstar!
Today is Emma Teitel’s first column, and she’s already stomping on Heather Mallick’s pedicure, writing that she does wacky stuff like peeing into mugs and posting embarrassing shit on the Internet. Heather ain’t going to like this one bit.
Teitel, 14, has plied her trade at Maclones for the past couple of years. She specializes in yout’ drivel and will contrast with Mallick, whose specialty is deranged, post-menstrual drivel.
Unlike Mallick, however, who regularly humiliates lapdog hubby Steve Petherbridge with inside information about her sex life (assuming it’s with him), Teitel is an avowed lesbian, who charges out of the closet every second column with references to sushi eating her gal pal (that’s enough fisnaris particulars!—ed.).
Also unlike Mallick, Emma can write insider, Me Too Generation phrases, to wit: “Millennials – boomerang kids, ingrates, whatever the current term is for people aged 18-33 – are not universally prone to peeing in the wrong places. But considering that our digital trail was spawned in pre-adolescence, chances are that at least one of us has done one or more of these things (and worse) at some point, and that these indiscretions have been preserved, like dinosaur DNA, for eternity.
“I recently found a video on Facebook in which I am obviously drunk, and attempting to sing a Dubstep remix of a Hilary Duff song – a video I had no idea existed (maybe because I don’t remember it happening), a video I have tried and failed to erase repeatedly.”
That’s columnist gold, baby! If you can’t erase it, tell half a million readers who wouldn’t have known to look for it that’s out there!
It looks like Heather has met her match in sly, self-aggrandizing confessionals!
Fer’ instance how about this sample from Emma’s sexual oeuvre;
“…I have never faked an orgasm on YouTube in the name of comedy. But tomorrow is another day.”
Amusingly, the photo on Emma’s Star column today makes her look even younger than 14. At Maclones, they wanted her to appear a bit more mature, so her column shot made her out to be early thirtiesh.
Shurely this isn’t a pathetic attempt to attract the yout’ readership The Star is pandering to with its Once-In-A-Century new tabloid app, launched…er, today!
Warm up the game stories. A true Frankian World Series Fantasy Wank-off is in the offing!