Toronto Tsar Battle of the Sob Sisters

Stop the Presses: The battle of the Maudlin Mavens is about to erupt at The Deathstar!

Today is Emma Teitel’s first column, and she’s already stomping on Heather Mallick’s pedicure, writing that she does wacky stuff like peeing into mugs and posting embarrassing shit on the Internet. Heather ain’t going to like this one bit.

Teitel, 14, has plied her trade at Maclones for the past couple of years. She specializes in yout’ drivel and will contrast with Mallick, whose specialty is deranged, post-menstrual drivel.

Unlike Mallick, however, who regularly humiliates lapdog hubby Steve Petherbridge with inside information about her sex life (assuming it’s with him), Teitel is an avowed lesbian, who charges out of the closet every second column with references to sushi eating her gal pal (that’s enough fisnaris particulars!—ed.).

Also unlike Mallick, Emma can write insider, Me Too Generation phrases, to wit: “Millennials – boomerang kids, ingrates, whatever the current term is for people aged 18-33 – are not universally prone to peeing in the wrong places. But considering that our digital trail was spawned in pre-adolescence, chances are that at least one of us has done one or more of these things (and worse) at some point, and that these indiscretions have been preserved, like dinosaur DNA, for eternity.

“I recently found a video on Facebook in which I am obviously drunk, and attempting to sing a Dubstep remix of a Hilary Duff song – a video I had no idea existed (maybe because I don’t remember it happening), a video I have tried and failed to erase repeatedly.”

That’s columnist gold, baby! If you can’t erase it, tell half a million readers who wouldn’t have known to look for it that’s out there!

It looks like Heather has met her match in sly, self-aggrandizing confessionals!

Fer’ instance how about this sample from Emma’s sexual oeuvre;

“…I have never faked an orgasm on YouTube in the name of comedy. But tomorrow is another day.”

Amusingly, the photo on Emma’s Star column today makes her look even younger than 14. At Maclones, they wanted her to appear a bit more mature, so her column shot made her out to be early thirtiesh.

Shurely this isn’t a pathetic attempt to attract the yout’ readership The Star is pandering to with its Once-In-A-Century new tabloid app, launched…er, today!

Warm up the game stories. A true Frankian World Series Fantasy Wank-off is in the offing!


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7 comments on “Toronto Tsar Battle of the Sob Sisters
  1. OJM says:

    Such precocity…kid’s got Wanking Hall of Fame written all over her.

  2. daveS says:

    Hmm. Education
    University of King’s College, Halifax
    Bachelor of Arts, English
    2007 – 2011
    Activities and Societies: President, Young Alexandra Society, Adult English Language Learning Tutor, Halifax Public Library

    And others across Canada have to suffer through her obnoxious reprints in Torstar’s Metro [insert City here ] daily freebie.

    Sigh. She is writing as badly as she can. Maybe one of the youf’ sites of the U.S. will capture her.

    Maclean’s September 2011 – Present (4 years 1 month)|Toronto, Canada Area
    I express my opinion on all the hot topics.

    And have you seen her twitter, all pre-Star days. That will change
    Emma Teitel ‏@EmmaRoseTeitel · Jun 19
    I am becoming a DJ. This is my first mix. Enjoy! (It’s Gay Pride themed):

    More fatuosity at

    Meanwhile, Barbara Kay disapproves “Barbara Kay: A Macleans columnist’s selective nausea trigger” July 28th, 2014
    And also Barbara Kay’s “Maclean’s columnist’s failure to launch (again) (and again)” 2014-11-03

  3. bubbagreat says:

    Her column is exactly why I cancelled my Maclone’s subscription.

  4. daveS says:

    That Jay Teitel…
    “Jay Teitel is a Toronto-based writer and editor who has won over 25 National Magazine Awards.”

    Author of “From Here to Paternity,” (Viking Canada, 1993)) “The Argo Bounce,” (Lester & Orpen Dennys, 1983) and with Moses Znaimer “The Zoomer Philosophy” (vols. 1. 2, 3 and 4) (Publisher: ZoomerMedia Ltd., 2012) Kindle Sold by: Amazon Digital Services, Inc.)

    Of whom, Gregory Marchand said: “his book, From Here to Paternity, Toronto author and journalist Jay Teitel talks about his relationships with his own three children. He’s noticed differences in the way he deals with his daughters compared to his son and has formalized some of those thoughts into what he calls “The Theory of Relative Worry.” His theory states, “Fathers worry about the bodies of their daughters and the spirits of their sons.”

  5. kerrwilk says:

    Shameful that in these days some ridiculous little bore like Teitel gets space in a newspaper to spew her drivel.

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