Alberta Report: Brian Jean family value pack

Frank felicitations to Wildrose Obergruppenführer Brian Jean on his second-time’s-the-charm nuptials, this time to the delightful Kim Michelutti.

“Yesterday I was lucky enough to marry my best friend and the love of my life,” quoth the Howdy Doody doppelganger on Facebook Aug. 21, complete with pics of the big day. “Kim makes me a better person everyday and I could not be luckier.”
Jean Wedding 1
Kim’s ongoing remedial work-in-progress on Bri’s character goes back to their hump-happy days in Ottawa, when the much-married member for Fort McMurray-Athabasca tapped the talented young yoga instructor as his special assistant.

She was soon racking up beaucoup travel claims tagging along with her peripatetic boss on toots across the country in his capacity as parliamentary secretary to Transport Minister John Beard. (Some assistants are more special than others. Kimmy’s predecessor as special assistant, Sandeep Pandher, had submitted precisely zero claims for keeping the honourable parl-sec company.)

The quality of Kim’s accompaniment was clearly excellent, as she followed him in retirement from Sodom-on-the-Rideau back to Gawd’s Country as official agent for last year’s provincial election campaign, duties she combined with a fun paid position in the loadsadough Jean family’s City Centre Group.

The contrast, Brian’s groupies murmur, could not be sharper with rival Jason Kenney, presumptive Progressive Conservative leader and honourable member for Calgary-Income Support, who continues his solitary Unite-the-White quest across Alberta.

While both the province’s prospective Saviours-from-Socialism™ stood foursquare against same-sex marriage, gamely essaying to keep our strategic national matrimony reserves in the hands of the hetcats, only Jean has actually availed himself (twice) of the exquisite joys of family life.

Kenney, as Wildrose mouthbreathers never tire of pointing out, remains true to his chaste-if-chafed vows of yesteryear.

“There is a blank space where his private life should be, an X factor,” wrote Postmedia’s Stephen Maher, in a 2014 tiptoe around Kenney’s tulips when the cabmin seemed well-placed to supplant President Steve. “He is an unmarried, devout Catholic, which might make it harder for some Canadians to identify with him.”
Ain’t nobody’s business if he don’t, but Monsignor Kenney’s steadfast virginity and early-declared intent to abstain from sex forever (or until marriage, an ever-more-distant prospect for the 48-year-old bachelor), continues to elicit prurient snickers after all this time.

It all goes back to the 90s, when Kenney and fellow junior Klansman Rob Anders got much mileage out of claims that they went un-laid, not for the glaringly obvious reasons, but by conscious choice. Anders claimed to have been to first base, while Kenney swore by the solitary pursuit of happiness.

The minister has been trying to outrun that confession ever since, even going semi-public with the issue at the Tory convention in 2013, where he told reporters that the whole story had been concocted by Liberals and fed to the press. I never said it; nothing could be further from the truth, etc.

But a spin through the Ottawa Petfinder circa January 1999 reveals that he is indeed on record in a committed relationship with his honourable hand: “I’m a practicing Catholic and I take the teachings of my church pretty seriously.”

Kenney also told the pifflesheet that his sexless existence put him in what many consider an “eccentric minority.”

Only the most jaundiced cynic, however, would even suggest heterosexualist family man Jean would ever exploit his opponent’s, er, eccentricities for crass political advantage.

It’s 2016, after all!

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5 comments on “Alberta Report: Brian Jean family value pack
  1. John MacLachlan Gray says:

    As a “practicing Catholic,” what practices does Mr. Kenny favour to quench
    desires of the flesh – the cilice? The flagrum? The scapular?

  2. Papadoc says:

    What makes it “hard to identify” with Kenny, is not his Catholicism but his Assholism.

  3. OJM says:

    Rosary in the left hand, tumescence in the other…Catholics call it pray-sturbation.

  4. Patrick60 says:

    I’m almost as choked up as Mr. Kenney was that time in Ottawa. (Franks passim)

  5. OJM says:

    Howdy Doody, indeed. Shurely Frank’s vast archive of incriminating photographs must include a Stampede Days shot of the Wild Rosenkavalier wearing a check shirt, ill-fitting dungarees and a spritely bandana.

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