Frank is only too pleased to convey the sincere gratitude of a nation’s satirical press to the Hon. Jason Kenney through the modern convenience of thankyoujason.com, the arslikhan tribute site erected by the great man’s fartcatchers to collect hosannas for his years of public self-servicing. (Like Uber, but for licking virginal whiteboy taint.)
But where would I even begin? Helpfully, the braunshirts have assembled an exhaustive hagiography to refresh already-fading memories of the Kenney Era. Among the many, many accomplishments listed is, er, getting elected as a Reformocon in Alberta.
“19 Years as an MP Jason Kenney was elected as an MP in 1997. Since then he has been re-elected with the 2nd 3rd and 4th most number of votes received by an MP in Canadian history.”
But there’s so much more:
“Best Immigration Minister Ever As Canada’s longest-serving Minister of Citizenship and Immigration, Jason implemented comprehensive reforms to Canada’s immigration, refugee and citizenship programs, leading the National Post to call him ‘perhaps Canada’s best immigration minister ever.’”
Crikey, boys, even the Post put a ‘perhaps’ in there as a dental dam.
And then the happy ending:
“Best. Boss. Ever. Those of us who worked for Jason know that he has spent a great deal of time to build a generation of conservatives all across the country by finding, hiring and mentoring conservative activsits [sic]. He is the best boss ever. Thanks boss.”
Fetchez le barf bag.
The ritual submission display is remarkable not only for its syntax-challenged servility but its simple-simon purity of purpose:
“A group of former Jason Kenney staff members created this site. We are not gathering emails or data here. Your information is not being sold or leased to anyone. Bunch of former Kenney staffers are paying for this site to thank the best boss they’ve ever had. What you fill up [sic] here is not going to be seen by anyone other than the site administrators, Kaz Nejatian and Alykhan Velshi. They are going to gather all these notes and just get them to Jason.”
So swamped have they been gathering these top secret words of praise for Kenney that the compulsive thankers have not yet mentioned Jason’s admirable vow, now that he’s finally stopped pocketing his MP’s paycheque, to donate his fat-assed $121,000 parliamentary pension to (an unnamed) charity – as long as he’s otherwise a-suck to the public teat, as seems inevitable. A Lardy Boy’s gotta eat, after all.
It comes as no surprise to see astroturf enthusiast Velshi, who took a brief sabbatical from the Harperium to set up Ethical Oil, that oilpatch-funded clutch of concerned energy citizens which so assiduously kept CRA apprised of the schemes of environmental charities, also crouching behind this apple-polisher.
Jason’s legions of other loyal sycophants, however, have chosen to remain faceless – and indeed offshore. The website’s registered owner is anonymous, his or her address a post office box in Panama.
The invisible registration comes courtesy of whoisguard.com, the on-paper owner of which is Panamanian legalist Juan Carlos Mata (Mata & Pitti), a specialist in “setting up and management of Panama Offshore Companies, Private Interest Foundations and its surrounding legal concerns.”
Whatever can it all mean?