Praise be to the Lord God of Satire, for He has looked favourably upon His disciples at the Church of Frank, and delivereth unto them a sacrificial ham.
We speaketh of Justina McCaffrey, the oft-bankrupt couturiere and professional air-kisser, who has officially announced she’s pursuing the nomination as a federal Tory candidate in Kanata-Carleton.
“I have decided to dedicate the rest of my career to becoming a servant to the public,” quoth Justina (and the walls of Frankland Capital Corp. shook with mirth.)
To celebrate her June 14 campaign kick-off at Don Cherry’s in Kanata, Justina has summoned her entire Rolodex, compiled from years of dressing all the right brides, debutantes, semi-celebs and charity mavens.
Chief among the Ottawa D-listers will be Stockwell Day and his wife, Valorie-with-an-o. According to Justina, the Days don’t normally descend to “nomination level politics, but they have been long time friends and great supporters of me and…(burbles on and on.)
Justina had been inveigling Laureen Harper to make an appearance. Laureen used to be a regular client and one of Justina’s besties/confidantes when the first matron occupied 24 Sussex. Sadly, Laureen had a previous engagement (“sorry, gotta clean the toaster oven.”)
Also missing from Justina’s leap into the treacherous waters of political rat-fuckery will be Faith Goldy.
Readers may recall last fall, when Justina was dedicating her career to reality television, and she and Faith were flogging their bridezilla showcase, A Wedding Dress For Everyone But Me. In the pilot, the gals kvetched about their difficulties in landing a suitable rich, straight, conservative white goy:
Justina: “So I have my girlfriend, Faith, who’s wonderful. We hang out, have glasses of wine, martinis, spend some time with each other. She gives me ideas, we go out and meet eligible men.
Faith: “I believe in a little thing called the ‘girl mafia’: If you’re hot, you’re smart, you’re pretty, you roll in the right crowds. And when it comes to [Toronto], we’re about as close as you get to being called the ‘socialite.’ Anywhere you go. The ‘It’ event, you’ll see Justina McCaffrey and Faith Goldy there.”
No mention of Faith’s other passions, like “white genocide,” Jews (“giant Democrat-donor losers”), her Crusade to expel Muslims from the Holy Land, or cheering on her neo-Nazi heroes at Charlottesville on the Daily Stormer podcast. (Franks passim, ad barfium)
Justina has promised riding execs to keep Faith at a distance, but their shared affinity for Opus Dei, the medieval sect which adheres to strict Catholic teachings on abortion, birth control and same-sex marriage, will be much in evidence.
This would make Justina popular with Kanata-Carleton’s rural religious nutters, and score points with the Tories’ secret handshakers, such as Jason Kenney, Andrew Scheer and Nigel Wright (Justina’s onetime horizontal jogging companion.)
Justina told the Ottawa Petfinder in 2009 that she tries to attend mass at least once a day. “I’ve promised God that I’ll say the rosary three times a day. But I’m busy, so I’ve told God it won’t be perfect. I do it in my car. So it’s like ‘Hail Mary, full of Grace,’ turn right. ‘Hail Mary, full of Grace,’ turn left.” She laughs girlishly. “You think they need a cellphone law for cars? What about for people who do rosaries?”
Meanwhile, Frank trusts the Tories have done due diligence on Candidate McCaffrey’s financial history. They don’t want any unpleasant surprises on the campaign trail along the lines of her 2008 bankruptcy ($1,495,839), or the troubles of 2016, when three much-pissed investors, Tom Thompson, Walter Lechky and Christine Frieze, demanded she return not only their dosh ($186,531.46) but a pile of gowns they claimed were theirs, not hers.