Municipal Waste: Bowtie Boy in bribery ballsup

A bow tie announces to the world that you can no longer get an erection. And that is exactly what a bow tie says. Not that you’re powerless, but that you’re impotent. People offer to take you home not because you’re sexy but because you’re sex-less, a neutered cat in need of a good stiff cuddle.
—David Sedaris, “Buddy, Can You Spare a Tie?” from When You Are Engulfed In Flames.

Of all the inglorious components of the Tim Tierney corruption scandale, perhaps the least surprising was the involvement of my old compadre, Jeremy Wittet.

The school board trustee and Tory Little Shit™ was long-suffering chief-of-staff to moist and amorous Innes Coun. Jodi Mitic. Previous to the Mitic merde-show, the incident-prone Wittet toiled for legendary Tory headcase Eve Adams (Franks passim, ad nauseam). Now this.

It was Jeremy who so helpfully set up the fateful phone call between Tierney and his sole election rival, Michael Schurter, during which the Beacon Hill-Cyrille councillor allegedly offered to make a donation to an as-yet-unnamed food bank if Mikey could see his way clear to dropping out and letting him run unopposed. Also listening in on speakerphone, Schurter’s campaign manager Justin McAuley, and an unidentified Ottawa elections official.


Despite this crowded party line, nobody seems to have recorded the call, so Tierney’s fate will hinge significantly on the he-said, they-said.

According to one account, the food bank in question is the Gloucester Emergency Food Cupboard (open for two hours on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays; please plan your emergencies accordingly), situated in the broke and crimey (‘at-risk’, shurely?!–ed) Jasmine Crescent area of Tierney’s ward.

When Tierney made his alleged offer, Schurter asked him to triple it. Tierney countered this was his own money, not some campaign slush fund (Ottawa city councillors scrape by on a mere $103K salary). Or so the story goes.

There was little hope of this matter going away once the OPP’s anti-rackets squad, tireless haunters of McGuinty fartcatchers David Livingston and Laura Miller, and Mayor Leisure Suit Larry O’Brien, got on the case.

In another small-world coincidence, Tierney is known to the rackets team from the O’Brien bribery investigation. Indeed, Timmy was a last-minute scratch from the witness list at Larry’s trial. Prosecutor Scott Hutchison, for reasons poorly understood, let him sweat in the courthouse until 15 minutes before his already-cancelled testimony before finally letting him off the hook.

The glee of some flatfeet at the Tierney’s latest predicament  is most unseemly.

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2 comments on “Municipal Waste: Bowtie Boy in bribery ballsup
  1. John MacLachlan Gray says:

    A gangsta part like Mr. Witless’s is an announcement to the world that you’re an unprincipled snake.

  2. theodorestreet says:

    The David Sedaris quip is pretty good but it ain’t really sex if there is no possibility of making babies. Two fellas with bow ties will result in depopulation, but this can be offset with loads of South American migration.

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