In this moment of bilateral dyspepsia, my organ has undergone a hasty Frank-shoring audit and made the following pandering and patriotic changes, effective immediately. We hope you like them, as we depend on your readership for our ongoing roachlike survival.*
1. Lord Tubby of Fleet-Crowbar has been re-designated as Canadian content, on a strict country-of-origin basis, instantly making Frank up to 13 per cent EVEN LESS AMERICAN! We’re proud to add that Tubby Tunes has not employed U.S. prison labour since May 2012. And if it should ever happen again, we’ll pass the savings on to you.
2. Dick Little’s Canadian Beef is now, per our compliance agreement with Agriculture and Agri-Food Canada, Dick Little’s Product Of Canada Beef. Mr. Little’s long-form birth certificate has been inadvertently and conveniently destroyed, and nobody knows how to stop his cheques, so his employment as senior Frank correspondent will continue.
3. Er…that’s it!
Valued American subscribers, we’re not laughing at you, we’re laughing adjacent to you. Take advantage of Frank’s de minimis sub special, just US $799.95 while loopholes last.
Everyone else: Got internet? A credit card? You’re in! Still just $129.95 a year, or $14.95 a month! Cheap!!
Wheezy laughter advisory; some scenes of horizontal jogging, unsanitary troughing practices.
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*Frank’s been dead. It’s honestly no great shakes. Thank you for your support!
As I’ve averred many a time, I am 100% Dago-Canadian, from Mad Trapper hat on top to the Forest Rangers official Junior Woodsman snowshoes strapped to my satyric feets…but I must admit to having ‘muricans on both sides of my family, including a couple in preventive detention.
I myself am three-quarters Quebecois, one-quarter British, and 100% Canadian, albeit with a preternatural disposition to hate bullshit, corruption and downright stupidity. Furthermore, I love my country and will fight to my last wheezy breath anyone who tries to take it from me. By the way, Franksters, you should be doing more to highlight the value added to your rag by such thoughtful contributors as OJM and the other Usual Suspects.
Hah, I have proof that I’m Canadian. An ornately framed certificate, even! Beats a birth certificate every time.
PS: First thing I did when I heard the Great Disruptor (TM) wheeze about making us the 51st State was making sure I knew where my Firearm Possession and Acquisition Licence was.
PPS: I hereby grant a free an completely transferable licence to Frank Magazine to use “Great Disruptor” to refer to whomever it pleases.