Dip Shits: Pete Hoekstra

Yet another charm offensive from Pete Hoekstra.

The arse-faced U.S. ambassador to Canada, drawn in the style of Michael de Adder, is starting to make the Russians look positively couth.

Der Donald’s man in Ottawa, born Cornelis Piet Hoekstra in Groningen, Netherlands, is secure from marauding ICE squads in a safe third country, though not everyone is delighted we let him in.

“In sum, Mr. Hoekstra is the perfect representative for the Trump Administration: arrogant, imperious, ignorant and belligerent,” moan Liberal undead David Herle and Peter Donolo in the Globe and Minion.

“In some ways, this is the same modus operandi Mr. Hoekstra employed during Mr. Trump’s first term, when he served as U.S. ambassador to the Netherlands and was forced to apologize for spreading Islamophobic lies about Muslim immigrants creating ‘no-go zones’ in that country. Or when he claimed – once again, falsely – that one of Hillary Clinton’s top aides was a member of the Muslim Brotherhood. Or even further back, when, as a congressman, he presented fake ‘evidence’ of weapons of mass destruction to justify the U.S. invasion of Iraq.”

If an ambassador is, per Sir Henry Wotton, “an honest man sent abroad to lie for the good of his country,” then at least Piet has got the lying part down cold.

“Babbling nonsense” declares aviation writer Bill Sweetman, to the Ottawa Petfinder, in regard to Hoekstra’s latest buy-it-or-else F-35 sales pitch.

Has the career homophobe finally queered the deal for the boondoggular, Pentagon-supported planes, as speculated in the gutter press? Uncertain, but like his short-fingered patron, this fugly American’s just getting started.

Apart from the incessant public trolling, fraternization with the locals outside the government has been kept to a minimum in His Excellency’s first nine months in Ottawa, leaving diplomatic garden parties skunk-free.

The ambassador’s obligatory Christmas and July 4 shindigs were cheaped-out out of respect for the taxpayer (no oysters this year, but help yourself to more corn on the cob!) and to make room for all America’s friends.

But how much of an asshole is Hoekstra, really?

“I met the fucker at the Gatineau airshow,” one dip circuit moocher told Frank. “He never even attempted to rise from his lawn chair. Just waved a hand to dismiss me. I honestly don’t think he likes people, period!”

“Typical Trump lamprey,” consoles an American correspondent. rather underselling Hoektra’s flawless anti-abortion, anti-immigration, pro-gun voting record, his well-funded but failed campaigns for both senate and the Michigan governorship, his contribution to Project 2025’s “Leadership Now” section, his court-assisted putsch of Michigan GOP chair Kristina Karamo–(that’s enough public service!!—ed.)

Hoekstra had more than earned the coveted Lonardo residence, which always goes to favoured party bagmen and hacks, Democrat and Republican.

Within three hours of asking for it, he told Jennifer Campbell of the braunnosing Diplomat and International Magazine last fall, came the Truth Social post confirming his appointment.

His Excellency put on his best shit-eater for the cover profile:

“As the ambassador to Canada, he hosted a congenial, if downsized, July 4 event and when he received Diplomat at the residence, he was equally warm, personally greeting the team from the steps of the residence.

“His wife, Diane, soon appeared from the pretty sunroom, where the two enjoyed a multi-million-dollar view of the Ottawa River and eat dinner when it’s just the two of them. Otherwise, they dine in the spacious formal dining room on the south side of the residence. The two offered a tour of the residence after the interview, showing off some personal treasures and agreeing to selfies.”

Frau Hoekstra doesn’t usually participate in Pete’s media avails, but she sat in for this one, as His Excellency went 40 minutes into overtime on his aunts in Lethbridge and Thunder Bay, and the usual nose-stretchers on fentanyl, tariffs and the F-35.

Then, an impertinence:

“Asked about the state of democracy in the U.S., Diane, seated beside the ambassador, scoffs and asks, “Are you crazy?” (‘you never smile,’ shurely?!–ed.)

This sends Hoekstra, heretofore relatively on his talking points, into a grand mal MAGA Russia-Russia-Russia sundowner:

“I lived through this in 2016 and 2017,” he says, when the suggestion that Trump was a “stooge” for the Russians. “The threat to our democracy is what some of these people in our intelligence community did undermining the legitimate election of a president in 2016 – [James] Comey, [James] Clapper, [Michael] Hayden, John Brennan – even raising the possibility of this Russian hoax, which they all knew was totally a fake and a phoney, and undermining a president and distracting from his agenda for a whole bunch of his first term. And America paid a price for it. Those were the real threats to democracy. I hope these people are held accountable.”

Nurse, nurse!