You Say “Niqab,” I Say “Guilty!”

I spent my whole life not knowin’ what a niqab is so don’t try to change me now.

But I’ll tell you this much: I hate ’em. Along with anything else that has a “Q” without a “U” after it. It’s not natural.

Call me old fashioned, but if we’re gonna let all sorts of religious maniacs into this country now–and not just Baptists–then the least we should do before showing ’em the glad hand is give ’em the once over.

Now of course, little Johnny ISIS’ll get all hot under the Koran about that, thinkin’ we just want to ogle his missus’ mystery meat.

But I’ve seen what a steady diet of falafel and yogurt can do to a child-bearing body and, to be honest, nothing could further, or sexier, from the truth.

It’s simply like Mr. Harper said: it’s not how we do things here. What those things may be, and even what he means by “here,” is unimportant.

The fact remains he’s right, so naturally it follows that I am, too.

Now I’m not sayin’ all head coverings are unCanadian. There’s the toque, for one.

I hear you can even wear those in Quebec and you won’t hear so much as a “Qu’est-ce que c’est?”

And I remember the time Harold Ballard wanted Roger Neilson to coach the Leafs in a paper bag.

No sir, you can’t get more Canadian than that.

But a black sheet with eye holes? In this day and age that’s not even a good Halloween costume!

If they’re really set on making a new life in this country, then why don’t they go out dressed like Iron Man or a dancin’ banana?

It don’t make sense.

I bet the average Muslim fella would even agree with me, if he wasn’t lookin’ over his shoulder to see if his head was still attached to it.

It’s normal. What man, hopin’ to snatch somethin’ hot and yeasty, would pinch the loaf that came in a plain brown wrapper?

Buyer beware, brother.

It’s the same the world over.