Don’t believe everything you read in the paper…
[E]co-alarmists perpetually claim that we should act first and think later. No time to waste. That has been their theme for more than a quarter century, during which global economies and human welfare have as stubbornly risen as the global temperature has stubbornly refused to follow them.
—Peter Foster, National Post, Sept. 15, 2015.
According the U.S. National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, 2015 is on pace to be the warmest year in recorded history. Five months—including May, June and July—were the warmest ever in their respective time periods. July was the hottest month of all time, across the world’s land and ocean surfaces.
—National Post, Aug. 28, 2015.
Next, ask Donald Trump what he thinks about “facts”
Ashley Madison tries to help millions cheat, now it wants to cheat death…. One of the embattled company’s major shareholders says he has every intention of being a faithful partner. “Let me tell you, business is continuing,” said Phillip DeZwirek…whose family owns more than 30% of…Ashley Madison’s parent company…. Having already made attention-grabbing an art form, this could be Ashley Madison’s master stroke…despite the fact it’s in the middle of a hacking crisis that outed millions of its subscribers and has resulted in a giant lawsuit and at least two suicides, according to Toronto police…. “Ask Donald Trump what he thinks about bad publicity?” DeZwirek teased…. “This past week alone, hundreds of thousands of new users signed up for the Ashley Madison platform—including 87,596 women.”
—Joe Wormington, Toronto Sun, Sept. 2, 2015.
Somebody lost a bet
An engine on a London-bound British Airways jet caught fire Tuesday while the plane was preparing to take off from Las Vegas…. Reggie Bugmuncher, of Philadelphia…said…she heard people saying, “Oh, my God.” She looked out the window and could see “bursts of flames coming out of the middle of the plane.” “Everyone ran to the windows and people were standing on their chairs, looking out, holding their breath with their hands over their mouths,” Bugmuncher said.
—Associated Press story, Ottawa Citizen, Sept. 10, 2015.
Note to self: change vague “bang the help,” to specific “bang the help but wear a rubber”
I remember I was watching Arnold Schwarzenegger being interviewed on 60 Minutes once and he said that when people set goals, they are always too vague—I want to be a better person, to be more healthy, et cetera. Arnold said you have to make your goals specific and that is something that really resonated with me.
—TSN’s Cabbie Richards, interviewed by Courtney Shea, Globe and Mail, Aug. 31, 2015.
Spinal Tap redux
That old stupid-clever conundrum
It’s a guy who can nimbly spin weighty turns of phrase, such as “cowardice is a choice, fear is a state of mind,” little quips that balance oh-so-precariously on that thin line between the insightful and totally meaningless.”
—John Semley, Globe and Mail, Aug. 8, 2015.
Extreme Artie Fufkin syndrome
The deep disgust I feel for Terfry…is ultimately a kind of projected hatred of myself; guilt and self-loathing projected onto some nominal Canadian radio celebrity. [B]eing a capital-M Man is always both self-flagellating and self-fellating. Perhaps there are men who aren’t like this. But…I doubt they lurk among my rookery of friends and acquaintances who, like me, self-loathe for sport, who distrustfully embrace the filth, the nausea, the demon inside us….
—Semley, Globe and Mail, Aug. 22, 2015.
And what!? Chocolate, vanilla and what, goddamit!?
Reality star Kylie Jenner is preparing to ring in her 18th birthday once again, this time in the Montreal area—and with assistance from a pastry chef in suburban Hudson…. Although Jenner officially turned 18 on Monday, she’ll be in Montreal on Sunday for a paid appearance at the Beachclub just northwest of the city in nearby Pointe-Calumet…. Jessika Menard, owner of Cakes par Haute Couture, said she’s creating an ornate, five-tier concoction for Jenner, daughter of Kris Kardashian and Caitlyn Jenner—formerly Bruce Jenner—and half-sister to Kim…. The cake is gold, silver and pink, and each tier is a different flavour, including chocolate, vanilla and
—Ottawa Citizen, Aug. 15, 2015.
Ah, yes, here comes Master Cumming now, followed by his wrinkled old retainer
Life is a slow march toward death, for sure, and already I can feel my body beginning to crumble. I can no longer leave the house without my specs if I want to be able to read a menu or reply to e-mails on my phone. An old shoulder injury that was exacerbated by dancing in Cabaret for a year takes longer and longer to fade away. I even became aware recently, thanks to my dermatologist, of the existence of “scrotal aging.” Oh yes!
—Alan Cumming, Globe and Mail, Sept. 16, 2015.
Hang on—Jennifer Lawrence’s butt hole!? Where!?
We could demure. Yes, you learn one morning that you have the option of looking at Jennifer Lawrence’s butt hole, but you don’t have to. You can make the decision like, yes, that’s a click away and no one will ever know that I looked at it but, you know, that’s not right that I should be looking at that, I’m not going to look at the Ashley Madison list, I’m not going to look at these nude celebrities. But is that even feasible?
—Jesse Brown, Canadaland, Aug. 24, 2015.
Semley sprints past mere drivel and closes in on totally meaningless.
at least we don’t have to look at jesse brown’s butthole. otherwise, we would see his head.
Cruel, but acutely apt!
Alas, among Arnold’s unachieved goals: “Show that old queen Ian McKellen what real acting looks like.”