The Lizard of Oz: President Steve’s Million Dollar Man!

News that the President Steve has hired high-profile political svengali Lynton Crosby to salvage his moribund election campaign sent Frank’s Pulitzer investigative reporting team hot on the trail of the elusive Aussie.

According to impeccable sources Down Under, Crosby is just the sort of strategist the Tories need—a bare knuckle, no-nonsense organization man, the guy you turn to when it comes time to rearrange the deck chairs on the Hindenburg.

But the question everyone’s asking is: What did it cost the Tories to land the Lizard of Oz?

Boris Johnson paid him a reported £100,000 to get Boris elected Mayor of London in 2008– a miraculous achievement, given the left-leaning inclinations of the city.

Crosby and Johnson were an awkward combo, but Johnson is quick to sing “the Crosbinator’s” praises and has been quoted saying (in Australian accent): “Jeez mate. They can stick their head up a dead bear’s bum. Don’t come the raw prawn with me.”

Whatever that means, Johnson’s election inspired the Tories to interview Crosby for a job in 2012. About his possible hire, Peter Oborne of The Telegraph commented:

“[Crosby] is the genius behind the most successful Right-wing politician of the last quarter-century, Australia’s John Howard, who was elected four times between 1996 and 2004. Working for him, Crosby developed what opponents labelled “dog whistle” politics – campaigning techniques which sent out a covert message. John Howard’s enemies claimed that this was sometimes implicitly racist.

“Michael Howard’s Conservative campaign of 2005 asked the question: “’Are you thinking what we’re thinking?’”

“Party literature, poster and TV campaigns contained such slogans as: ‘It’s not racist to impose limits on immigration’, or ‘How would you feel if a bloke on early release attacked your daughter?’ Critics once again said that some of this was implicitly racist.

“[Cameron] will be making a powerful public statement if he hires Crosby. He will be making what effectively amounts to a public recantation…[signalling] a new grip at the centre and – just as important – a new ideological rigidity.”

The Tories hired Crosby, who went on to make the party more nasty, more frightened, desperate, self interested and, er, more electable.

Prime Minister David Cameron got a majority government last May and for his services, Crosby reportedly trousered a million dollars(AUS).

He was also responsible for masterminding the aforementioned 2005 Tory campaign in the UK, widely seen as the nastiest and most utterly unsuccessful campaign in years. (The Tories lost, but Crosby made £468,000 for only a few months work.)

After they lost to Tony Blair, Crosby said (and President Steve take note):

“You can’t fatten the pig on market day” – meaning that Crosby is stuck with what’s already there, you can’t polish a turd, etc.


  1. Australian politics have always been incredibly rough and cynical. I wouldn’t be surprised to learn of a secret sojourn by Richard Nixon in Australia to learn some down-under rat-fucking techniques. Cynical politics and bar fights just about sum the place up.

  2. Apparently the reformatories haven’t got a single person with even half a brain left in the party.

  3. “Little wonder, then, that Crosby envisages the UK Tories as a
    party of right-on liberal progressives. Its traditional
    conservative support base, in the shires and the Church of
    England, is a source of embarrasment. Hence UK Tory MPs and
    party leaders must not say anything that might sound too
    offensive, unfashionable or a bit bigoted. To toe the party line
    in the modern Conservative Party is to sacrifice personal
    opinion at the altar of the political centre ground.
    Crosby’s comments about UKIP reveal the managerial bureaucracy
    at the heart of the Tories. Keen to de-toxify its fox-hunting,
    anti-immigrant image, the Conservative Party has pushed almost
    all dissident voices to the backbenches, or out through the
    backdoor. Instead, a new generation – led by Cameron and
    chancellor George Osborne – now toe a centrist line, voicing
    support for social causes that are alien to many ordinary
    voters.” spiked-online.com/newsite/article/inside-the-spin-doctor8217s-surgery/17295

    So Stephen Harper will wear a sweater, stroke a kitten, and …. carrrre!!

  4. Here is $15,000 (AUD) worth of Mr. Lynton Crosby AO (Order of Australia ~ CM in Canada)
    Lynton Crosby AO – Master Class: Political Campaigning
    “The Patchwork Foundation’s unique Masterclass programme gives young leaders from under-represented, deprived and minority communities of all backgrounds the chance to engage dynamically with experts in the political field.”
    “Previous masterclass tutors have included:
    Office of the UK Prime Minister
    Lynton Crosby AO – Campaign Director for the Conservative Party’s General Election Campaign
    Rt. Hon. Danny Alexander -Former Chief Secretary to the Treasury
    Caroline Lucas MP former leader of the Green party
    Gloria De Piero MP – Shadow Minister for Women and Equalities
    etc. etc.
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H_YareK6WKk for one hour (1:02) of right-hand gesturing.

  5. “What we’re gonna do, mates, is flood the telly with adverts insinuating this bloke Trudeau is a bloody poofter. What? You tried that already? Crikey…that one always works. Well then, as we say in Oz, you’re as fucked as a ewe with a pretty bottom.”

  6. Here it is!
    The Wizard of Oz has spoken: Sleeves rolled-up (a la Justin), no tie and no more jiffy marker signs. See photos this week.

  7. Lynton Crosby abandons Harper. October 15, 2015

    he Australian dirty tricks strategist brought in last month to salvage Stephen Harper’s re-election campaign has abandoned the Conservatives, according to the spin doctor’s partner.

    Lynton Crosby, who successfully revived David Cameron’s flagging campaign earlier this year helping the UK Prime Minister secure an unexpected victory by resorting to racially charge dog whistle politics and wedge strategies, appears to have thrown in the towel after polls showed that same tactics are failing to sway Canadian voters in sufficient numbers.

    Crosby’s partner Mark Textor has launched an online campaign to distance their firm Crosby|Textor from the Conservative campaign, going as far to create a hashtag #notincanada.

    “Neither Crosby nor Textor are there,” Textor tweeted. “Nor staff. We don’t do bit-part politics.”

    Stephen Harper’s spokesperson Kory Teneycke had earlier confirmed that the Conservative campaign had been getting help from Crosby, but refused to provide any details…… [ more ]

  8. Lynton Crosby knighthood discredits honours system, say UK Labour MPs
    Australian political strategist is reportedly set for place in New Year honours list after running Tories’ 2015 election campaign
    by Andrew Sparrow @AndrewSparrow
    Sunday 27 December 2015 18.40 GMT The Guardian (London, UK)

    …But the Conservative MP Glyn Davies said Crosby had made a “massive contribution to UK politics” that deserved recognition. Fellow Tory Bernard Jenkin, the chair of the public administration and constitutional affairs committee, said knighthoods such as this were “not simply in the gift of the prime minister” because they have to be approved by the committee overseeing parliamentary and political honours.
    “Should people in politics not get an honour just because they give public service through politics?” he asked. “I think that question answers itself.”
    Jenkin also claimed that some of the worst abuses of the honours system took place under Labour, citing the so-called lavender list drawn up by Harold Wilson when he resigned as prime minister in 1976. Jenkin said the system is now much cleaner because there is proper oversight of honours…..

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