PUBLIC SECURITY ANNOUNCEMENT
A threat level of Orange Alert has been issued in anticipation of another Christmas reading of ‘The Shepherd’ by Alan Maitland on CBC Radio 1. It is not known exactly when CBC Radio 1 will strike. The public is advised to shelter in place from December 23rd until December 26th, 2016, away from any electronic device capable of transmitting this potentially harmful toxin. Basements, dingy bars, strip joints or cruise ship engine rooms are considered ideal locations offering a reasonable degree of safety. Above all, the public is urged to be alert. Because the world can always use more lerts.
We’ve already been hit with “The Gift of the Magi.”
A creditable threat has been received in the last hour and has been verified. It is now known that sometime between Saturday, December 24th and Monday, December 26th, CBC Radio 1 will target Canadians with another broadcast of ‘Dave Cooks The Turkey’. Disguised as a ‘Christmas classic’, ‘Dave Cooks The Turkey’ is in fact a Trojan Horse, an audio Manchurian Candidate alleged to be nothing more sinister than seasonal pleasantness that affects the minds of ostensibly normal people rendering them incapable of rational thought and leaving them with the belief that humour is somehow involved. Once infected by ‘Dave Cooks The Turkey’ the only known antidote is repeated exposure to Tom Waits’ ‘Christmas Card From A Hooker In Minneapolis’. Again, shelter in place; dingy bars, strip joints, cruise ship engine rooms and abandoned home nuclear shelters are strongly advised.
The latter must be a reference to Stuart “Bathetic” Mclean’s sycophantic fictional tales of quaintness, actually believed as true by some central Ontario listeners.
Perhaps they will not be repeated after the fiscal and moral investigations into one S. McLean’s dealing with the Corp and with Ryerson High.
Merry Christmas Franksters. Thanks for the laughs and sanity in a crazy 2016. Look forward to 2017.
A “creditable threat” indeed.
New Year’s Resolutions amended…”Use ‘sad-arse wazzock’ as often as possible” now Number One.
I cannot tell you how disappointed I am at discovering the use of “sad-arse wazzock’ is restricted to those who are not sad-arse wazzocks -like myself. Thus, according to Heloise, I am forbidden from using the term.
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